Relationship Thursdays: When I became a mother...

(R-L), Seema, Jaya Hariharan and Sindhu (Seema's sister), Tanika (Seema's niece)

Seema Hariharan, daughter of Jaya Hariharan and mother of Vihaan

Everyone says that motherhood changes your life. It’s true, motherhood definitely changes your life, but more than that, it changes your perspective. You get a view of the other side of life—one as a parent. It’s a big shift. I have a great relationship with my mother. She is my friend, confidante, parent, all rolled into one and there is nothing that I can’t talk to her about. It’s said that when you have a child, you realise just how much your mom means to you and all the things she has done for you.

When my sister and I were in college, we would occasionally have night overs. When I started working, I had the predictable media schedule of long hours and for several weeks, I wouldn’t get home before midnight. When I spent late nights socialising with my friends, I was probably the only one who didn’t have to call home every half hour to update where I am. All those years, the only condition my mom had, was that I let her know where I was going. Once I started college, I never had to ask permission. She had given me the most precious gift a parent can give his/her children – her trust.

And she didn’t give it with conditions. She didn’t make speeches or tell us how important it was that she trusted her. It was a free offering, a faith she placed on us to know right from wrong. Today, when I see my son, the true generosity of that trust overwhelms me. I don’t know if I have the courage and self-belief to offer my trust in my son. Because now, that I am a mom, I understand that the trust my mom placed in me wasn’t just her faith in me. It was also her belief that she had taught us the important life lessons we needed to live our lives and make our own choices with integrity and honesty. I always think, if I can be half as wonderful as my mom has been, my son will be a very lucky boy.

Lakshmi Sahasranaman, daughter of Shanta Krishnamurthy and mother of Kaushik
I feel there is more maturity in our relationship. I now understand the pain she must have gone through to bring me into this world and raise me. While a father's role is important in a child's life, I feel a mother plays a bigger role in shaping and moulding the personality of a child.

At times when my son rebels, it reminds me of the times when I revolted as a young teenage girl. I now understand her stance (then) better. I feel more emotionally attached to her now and I don't think I can misunderstand her anymore for she has taken enough trouble to make me the person I am today. I do take her advice to bring up my son because I know she will give the best advice. For instance, she always tells me that music is a great stress-buster. She ensures that I not only emphasise on academics, for my son, but also on encourage extra-curricular activities such as learning music, which can bring him peace of mind, in the future.

The other important lesson from her is, never make your child too dependent on you and vice-versa. From her, I have learnt to tactfully refuse to any tantrums and demands. She also believes that parents should never discuss their problems in the presence of their children; it should not affect the child's mind. Her qualities of patience and calm is something I won't be able to match up to but I am trying.

(L-R) Jaya, Hema and her family

Hema Venkat, daughter of Jaya Ramachandran and mother of Rahul and Pooja

My mother was my best friend until college. She was the person to go to for everything— love, affection, kisses on hurt knees, homework, unknown words and their meaning, school projects etc.Once I was in college, the peer group seemed more interesting. Mom slowly got stricter, no late-coming from college, no talking to boys (yes, those were the days!), “get your friends home because I need to know who your friends are, where are you going, who are the friends that you are meeting”. It suddenly seemed like she didn't trust me anymore (or so I thought)! The big fight happened when I cut my long hair a good 10 inches shorter.

When I started working, mom ensured that I had breakfast on time and that I had a good packed lunch. We were back to being good friends until she asked me to learn cooking. I was getting to be of a 'marriageable' age and my parents were on the lookout for a suitable groom. I wanted to know why my brother wasn't learning cooking too! It didn't help that I was expected to live up to her extremely high standard of cleanliness or the 'no wastage' tag for all things edible. To add to that, she was a great cook too.

Then I got married and my world changed! I started wondering, ' Hey! How come mom knew this and anticipated this beforehand?' All the advice she had shared earlier seemed true to life. It was like being in school again where mom knew everything.

After the birth of my first child, Rahul, I realised that mom was indeed the most non-judgemental person ever. I understood her obsession with cleanliness, her policy of never beating her children, her strength when it came to her children's weaknesses, her proud moment when I announced my first job or any of the successes that followed. She is the only person I trust for everything— from recipes to kids' behaviour. We share a bond where there is a lot of love, respect and understanding. Plus, the long hair that she so loves is back too. She is my lifeline and responsible for what I am today.

It's true— 'God couldn't be everywhere and so he made mothers'.

Leela D'Souza Francisco, daughter of Arlette D'Souza and mother of David, Alysha and Natasha

No matter what stage of life you are at, you will always need your mother. I understood my mother better after I had my kids—the trials and tribulations she must have faced as a young mother, tough decisions while disciplining, anxieties when children are sick, etc. Parenting involves a lot of challenge and you learn while you are on-the-job. When I was younger, I would often wonder why she couldn't do certain things but when I became a mother, I realised the limitations of being a mother. It was only after I had children that I accepted my mother the way she was and understood that I have faults within me, too.  
I learnt to be more patient. But the most important lesson my mother taught me was to pray for my children. She believed that this is one the most significant aspects of parenting.

Harini Aravind, daughter of Yamuna Sethuraman and mother of Atharva

From being a rebellious teenager to being a mum, it was a journey where my mum was as much a companion as my husband.
To say that my relationship with my mum changed would be putting it gently. From being my sparring partner and my punching bag, she began to be the confidant who just knew how to deal with a mewling little person. If there's one person who would put her life on hold for my child, other than me, it'd be Amma. I haven't seen her love and discipline another person as fiercely as she would with my son.
She'd be the first to notice something amiss in her grandson. She'd spend hours making healthy dry fruit bars for her skinny grandchild; his favourite food and what not. She'd also be the one holding him in her arms for hours on end on colicky nights.
I respect her more today because it amazes me how selfless and giving she can be. She also patiently teaches him values, discipline and shlokas because he is like a sponge waiting to absorb knowledge. I love her for being my rock on bad days; guilty mum days and such like. I love her for dishing it to me as is; no artifice, no pretenses. And what's changed is I don't remember loving her so fiercely before I was a mum.

Vikram, Prabha, Nilay and Lalita

Prabha Vikram, daughter of Lalita Ananthanarayanan and mother of Nilay

My mother and I became close to each other after my son was born (he was a pre-mature baby). I started discussing various issues related to parenting and I realised what she must have gone through while bringing me up. My mother was with me till my son turned one. I had never spent so much time with her. She was there to guide me, help me and make me feel relaxed about having a baby. I know I can call her any time because she has an answer for everything. As far as my baby and baby decisions are concerned, I trust only her. I learnt from her that no matter what, your child is the most important person in your life. Nothing else or none else is as significant.