The cougar phenomenon

When 40-year-old Iti* got into a relationship with a much younger man, it seemed a “logical” move for a wife wanting to get back at an adulterous husband. Bored and disturbed by her broken marriage, Iti says she sought solace in the 28-year-old doctor who was “always there for me physically, emotionally and mentally”.

Iti is what the urban dictionary terms a ‘cougar’—an older woman who seeks sexual relationships with a younger man. A recent Hindi film, BA Pass, showcased this phenomenon where a rich, bored housewife seduced a young student.

Though, the phenomenon is largely perceived to be urban, and more common among the wealthy, it is however not limited to them. Recently the police was called in when a 25-year-old man was beaten up in outer Delhi’s Burari area. A mob had caught him entering the house of a 41-year-old widow dressed as a woman. Upon investigation, the police found that the two were in a relationship.

“We still live in a society that is starkly patriarchal and celebrates a man who dates many women as a stud and derides women who are sexually active as sluts,” says Raksha* a home-maker from west Delhi who serially dates younger men. Perhaps, that’s the attraction — breaking away or rebelling against the norms.

This social censure also transcends socio-economic differences. No wonder then, that these relationships are conducted under a cloak of secrecy.

Iti, for instance, is the daughter-in-law of a politician from Rajasthan and lives in an upmarket gated high rise in Noida, Uttar Pradesh. She has introduced her lover, Mohit*, to her family as a brother. This not just deflects suspicion, but it also gives Mohit access to her home when her husband is away on frequent business trips. Of late, she has requested Mohit to give guitar lessons to her son. It was the same for the widow in Burari. She had introduced her lover as a cousin, but her father-in-law reprimanded her when he saw her riding pillion with him.

“There is no thrill in dating someone of our own age,” Raksha*, a housewife who serially dates younger men, says with a twinkle in her eye. “They are boring, laid back and take a backseat when it comes to trying new things. Dating someone younger is exciting, and adventurous.”

For most older women, this feeling of being loved and of being young again is fulfilling. And, of course, there’s companionship in feeding their lovers new recipes or experimenting sexually. Ankur*, a 27-year-old who dated two older women at the same time, says “They wanted to do cocaine and smoke joints. We’d meet at my house in Gurgaon, Haryana, and they were okay with a threesome too. Since I was getting married, I introduced them to my friend and now they are with him. They are best friends and become each other’s alibi, so their husbands don’t suspect a thing.” The only thing off-limit Ankur found, was talking about their husbands. But then, stranger things have happened.

What’s in it for the men

Ankur was attracted to the essence of adventure of dating an older woman. Perhaps inspired by Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, Ankur said he loved being with someone who was experienced and took the lead in bed.

“There is a lot an older woman can teach you. It is a good learning experience that may be useful when I am married,” he says. “Also, their tantrums and demands are lesser than a partner my own age.”
*Names changed