Bi the way

It was only a few years ago that Kaveri Nair, a Delhi-based interior designer realised that she is also attracted to women. The 33-year-old says it’s hard to pinpoint when the realisation about her bisexuality sank in. This revelation came soon after a long-term heterosexual relationship, which begs the question — is such a “switch” possible?

In the modern context where categorising sexuality — in order to establish social acceptance and political rights for LGBT minorities — has become the norm, cases such as Kaveri’s go against the grain. Going from straight to bisexual, lesbian to straight and back again, women seem to have a much more fluid sexuality than men. It’s a theory that has been backed by science. Lisa Diamond, a University of Utah professor, conducted a study in 2008, which followed 70 lesbian, bisexual and “unlabelled” women over 10 years.

During that period, two-thirds of the women changed their initial identity labels, and one-third of these changed labels at least twice. And although conventional wisdom suggests that more women would transition out of the bisexual and unlabelled groups and into the more “standard” groups of heterosexuality or homosexuality, this was not the case.

Kaveri’s heterosexual relationship ended when she realised that he had been cheating on her for two years. To keep herself sane, Kaveri joined a book club, which is where she met the woman she developed feelings for. “I realised I would count the days for the book club meetings and that wasn’t only because I was dying to discuss books.”

And did this realisation come as a shock? “No,” says Kaveri. “In fact, I was quite surprised by how calm I was. Everything made sense.” Was there a happy ending to that story? Kaveri laughs. “Very few friends know. And I will die before I tell my family. Besides, my friend was newly and happily married and I didn’t see the need to ruin our friendship by telling her how I felt.”

No Fluke or Mood
“Popular culture often treats bisexuality as a fluke or a ‘mood’-based thing,” says Joy Aggarwal, a bisexual lawyer working in Bangalore. “They even think it’s a cover for lesbianism. But that is not the case. The truth of the matter is that women’s idea of sexuality is much more all-inclusive than men’s. And sometimes, this includes other women.”

This opinion was backed by two neuroscientists (who co-authored A Billion Wicked Thoughts on the same). The authors analysed millions of erotic searches, videos, stories, personal ads and digital personal ads. They concluded that women enjoy multiple sexual cues — whereas for men, a single sexual cue, like nudity, is enough for sexual arousal.

Rajan Bhonsle, MD, professor and the head of the departments of sexual medicine at KEM Hospital as well as GS Medical College, points out that we are all born “potentially bisexual”. “I have seen people in their late 40s suddenly realising that they are gay or bisexual. And I have seen gay women who suddenly develop feelings for a man after years of thinking they were gay.” Bhonsle thinks that the basic difference between male and female approaches to sex is that women are emotional, and men are more physical.

Going the other way
At 34, Sheetal Chopra is pretty certain she’ll find a female life partner. Since leaving college, she’s had three serious relationships, two with women and one, the last, with a man she nearly married. Her relationship with Nimesh, an urbane, highly educated, engaging and affluent guy, lasted over a year.

“You want me to compare the sex?” she says thoughtfully. “I preferred it with women but men were fine too. I was never repulsed or unnerved by the idea of sex with a guy and I adjusted fine.” It wasn’t the sex that soured the relationship, eventually. “It was the usual things that go wrong in relationships — egos.”

Sheetal returned her engagement ring and began to travel in early 2012. She says she’ll give it a shot with another guy if somebody interesting shows up, but the one year of solitary navel-gazing has led her to believe that she’ll be happier with a woman. “I’ve begun looking actively — in the few places one can look for same-sex relationships in Mumbai,” she says.

On the other hand, some women go the other way — and never look back. Malvika Chadha is a “happily married” woman with two spoilt children. Their indulgent father was the first man she dated, and no, she wasn’t a virgin till 32 — the age she met him. “I spent more than a decade being happily gay,” she remembers. “I shifted to the UK for graduate school, and had a blast revelling in my LGBT life.

I went to gay bars, hooked up with random women, had a long-term relationship with a woman and went to pride parades.” But when she met Chetan, who is now her husband, something changed.“We were friends initially. He loved the novelty of a lesbian bestfriend, and I kept calling him my wingman. After two years of not leaving each other’s side, we had to admit that we were in love.”

Chadha says she doesn’t feel attraced to anyone else now — man or woman. “I’m a monogamous person. Though I am a proven bisexual now, I don’t miss my lesbian days. I’m with the person I love, and the freedom to make that choice has changed my life.”

(Some names have been changed on request)

@apoorva_dutt