From Vicco ads to crying babies: 5 other issues SC needs to tackle in theaters after national anthem

We ought to be thankful that we live in a country where the apex court of the land is always at hand to hand out important judgements that affect citizens. Despite a shortage of judges, which has led to a passive-aggressive ‘don’t cross the Lakshman Rekha fight with the Centre’, an SC bench was at hand to hand out a landmark judgement ordering all theatres to screen the national anthem before films. The SC bench also added that all present must ‘stand up in respect’ till it ended. They felt that the practice would ‘instil a feeling within one a sense of committed patriotism and nationalism.’ 

There was also a purely existential moment when Justice Mishra remarked: “People must feel this is my country. This is my motherland... Arrey, who are you? You are an Indian first. In other countries, you respect their restrictions. In India, you do not want any restrictions?”

Now as grateful as one is to the SC for being the cheerleader for pre-screening nationalism, one must hope that SC will also take cognizance of the other atrocities that take place in an Indian movie theatre, even the ones they call multiplexes. Here are some of them:

Exorbitant ticket prices and cost of snacks

How can we call ourselves a democracy when a Sidharth Malhotra film like Baar Baar Dekho can set an individual back by Rs 400? Isn’t it enough that one has suspended all disbelief and acknowledged that Sid is a genius mathematician? Surely, this isn’t why the Army is defending the nation at the border?

And while we’re at can anyone explain how a tub of popcorn, even with a smidgen of cheese and caramel on it costs Rs 300. No economist worth his salt (which barely exists in the popcorn tub) has ever been able to explain the exorbitant price, and one must conclude that the only reason for this is that all theatres are money-laundering fronts. 

Vicco Turmeric cream ads

While we’re on the subject of pre-movie videos, perhaps we need to talk about the other videos that are thrust upon us before the main event starts. They usually consist of insurance ads, smoking cautions and a Vicco turmeric spot which haven’t changed since Independence. Honestly, how is Vicco turmeric still a thing in 2016? 

Phone overuse during show times

And that brings us perhaps to the most heinous type of filmgoer around – the phone-user. The esteemed court must have noticed that cell phones are now more ubiquitous than toilets, and the average human is unable to go 30 seconds without checking his phone. While understandable, none of this excuses the constant interruptions and the SC must figure out a way that a patriotic movie-goer’s experience isn’t ruined by these modern contraptions.

Nepotism in Bollywood

Now this isn’t a purely theatre-based problem, but since the judiciary has a deep understanding of the nepotism problem, perhaps they can help us with the end product that is vitiating our movie-going experience. How many times must we endure Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra, simply because they were born in the wrong family? How many years do we give Varun Dhawan before he does an Alia, and can show a semblance of acting skills? Now before some smart-aleck reader points out that I’ve the choice, to not go to watch them, the SC order has made it clear, that in the theatre, a man's gotta do, exactly what a man's gotta do.

People making out and crying babies 

And the last point of contention is reserves for those unruly elements who feel that just because they’ve shelved out the money, they can do anything in a theatre. Surely, there’s someone who can put an end to this tonsil hockey game. And while they’re at it, might they also consider the case of individuals who like to show off they’ve had coital relationships by bringing their new-borns to movie theatres.

Now one barely agrees with social media enthusiast and US President-elect Donald Trump, but there’s a time and place for babies, and a rally, just like a movie theatre is not one of them. One is extremely hopeful that the country’s judiciary will take my complaints as seriously as they did Shyam Narayan Chouskey’s complaint who got the ball rolling in 2001 when he complained that audiences didn’t stand up when the national anthem played during Karan Johar’s Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham!  

Bharat Mata Ki Jai. Jana Gana Mana… (hope you’re standing).