The bias in parenting

A panel of experts got together in Mumbai recently to help sift gender biases out of parenting to cultivate equality in society. Moderated by Tara Kaushal (founder of multimedia activism project, Why Indian Men Rape), the panel included Shilpa Phadke, associate professor, school of Media and Cultural Studies, TISS, Equal Rights Activist Harish Iyer, researcher and scholar of ancient Indian myth and culture Vidya Kamat, and Bishakha Datta, co-founder of Point of View. We distilled that invigorating conversation into a three step programme.

Recognise bias

No one sets out to be a bad parent, but we carry biases and unwittingly pass them on. “A key belief in Vedic scriptures is that without a male progeny, one cannot repay the three debts acquired at birth, and goes to hell,” says Kamat. “King Dasharatha had a daughter, Shanta. So was he really childless or did the daughter not matter? These stories, when passed on for generations, become embedded in our mind and create the pining for a male child.”

This translates into privileges a male child is brought up with — like making life decisions. Datta recalls when she was in college, many of her friends negotiated with families. “They were willing to meet boys for an arranged marriage as long as they were allowed to go abroad and study. I know very few male friends who’ve had this kind of struggle,” notes Datta.

To uproot these, we have to recognise the privileges of a girl child and level the playing field. There’s added protection for girls; boys are left to their devices. “There’s little consciousness that until the age of 15 or 16 boys are just as vulnerable to sexual abuse,” says Phadke. “It is assumed that a boy will protect himself,” adds Iyer, “It’s important to tell boys they can be vulnerable too.”

The role of protector can also be a source of anxiety for men. “In our research,” says Phadke, “we come across men whose families think they will look after their sisters but a lot of them say they don’t think they can.”

Boys miss out on sex education too. “Girls get a starting point to that conversation with their mothers when they first menstruate,” points out Iyer. “At puberty, boys aren’t educated by an adult about semen and nightfall. They then turn to unreliable sources for information.”

The aim of raising feminist sons is not to make society safer for women. “It is an end in itself,” explains Datta. It is about values such as plurality, equality and emotional intelligence. “We must think of people as full human beings regardless of their gender.”