Beyond just raising a child

Know the key messages you are sending out to your child
Knowingly or unknowingly, there is much emphasis on being the perfect parent or having the perfect child. As a result, the present moment with its capacity for healing, love, joy, laughter and learning is lost. The key tool here is attention. And to truly pay attention, parents need to be relaxed within themselves. Ask yourself: am I really paying attention and tuning into the situation, to the child and myself?

Pay attention to the quality of your time and interaction with children. ‘Quality time’ does not mean filling that space with activities, but truly being present while interacting, listening deeply and responding.

When we genuinely attune to our children, the truth of the moment reveals itself. This is going beyond techniques, methods and research-based evidence. Very often, I find that basic awareness of the natural developmental process of a child is helpful in easing some of the parents’ fears and anxieties.

No matter what parenting style we choose to raise our children, there are some key messages that they need to receive or rather experience. Like ‘you are loved and cared for, no matter what you do or say’; ‘it’s not conditional’; ‘you are worthy of respect’ and ‘you are really important’.

Focus on the positives, no matter how hard it is. Reflect on them. That’s how we pass on and strengthen a positive sense of self in our children. However, you need to really see it and not just say it, for it may ring as untrue to the child otherwise. No matter what, always come back to a sense of shared connection. 

Sandy Dias Andrade, psychologist

As a parent, you have to rearrange your priorities often
Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work. It often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It requires sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs you to do. It is thus important for parents to always be there, mentally as well as physically.

If you do not manage your children’s behaviour when they are young, they will have a hard time learning it when they are older and you are not around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your children have learnt from you are going to shape the rules they apply to themselves.

However, you must also foster your child’s independence. Setting limits helps your children develop a sense of self-control.

Encouraging independence helps them develop self-direction. To be successful in life, they are going to need both.

Lastly, always keep in mind that everything you do matters. How you treat and respond to your child should come from a knowledgeable, deliberate sense of what you want to accomplish. Always ask yourself: What effect will my decision have on my child?

Rupal Shah, wellness mentor

Spending quantity time every day is more essential today
Firstly, you must inculcate certain values and principles in your children. This set of values, if instilled at a younger stage, remains intact forever and forms the basis of their overall persona. The second important factor is self-confidence.

If you keep scolding your children or try to push them too hard, it would only bring down their confidence level. A push or a little pumping up of confidence is good, but make sure you do not turn the push into a shove.

Also, never compare your child to anyone else. While parents must ensure that children learn to appreciate people around them, they must remember never to compare them with anyone who may be doing better. This may lead to great damage to their self-esteem.

Thirdly, you should look after your children’s physical as well as mental health. Spending sufficient time with them is the key. When you are with your children, be attentive to them and their needs. It is always a good idea for a child to know that the parent cares about him/her. 

A vital aspect is to maintain a friendly and cheerful environment, which is conducive to growth. Hence, it is important to give time to your children. This is what, sadly, most parents fail to do these days.

A lot has been said about spending quality time, but I would say spending quantity time every day is more essential. Finally, more than a parent, you must be a friend to your children and keep it that way for the rest of your life. A good idea would be to adopt a pet. Pet parenting goes a long way in teaching the nuances of good parenting.

Vikram Karve, creative writer

Being involved doesn’t mean making the child dependent on you

The most important aspect of good parenting is to be involved in your child’s life. Be it school, home or play, a parent must be attentive and know of everything. From a performance in school to the friends he/she makes, all these are significant facets of a child’s life and should be equally important for the parents.

However, a parent must also encourage independence in a child. Being involved does not mean making the child completely dependent on you. While you must look through the children’s homework once they come back from school, you should encourage them to finish it on their own. Making scrapbooks or finishing their projects for them will only hamper their learning abilities.

A parent should also encourage a child to take up small every day tasks, like tidying up the room, watering the plants, laying the table or cleaning it after a meal. This not only involves the child in household chores, but also brings in a sense of responsibility.
Parents must also be strict when required.

They must tell their children what is right or wrong. Scolding or enforcing discipline mildly is fine. However, any form of harsh discipline is unacceptable. Discussion could be an alternate method. Also, parents must see to it that they never scold the child in public. If they need to ask their child to behave in a particular manner, they must do so at home, away from others.

Meenu Pathela, parent & homemaker

It is essential to adapt your parenting to fit your child
Genuine love is what does the trick for adults as well as children. Love helps not just in making the parent-child bond that much stronger, but also shapes the child’s personality. However, anything in excess is bad.

You must not shower your child with an overdose of love and affection. Give in to some of your child’s demands, but not all of them. Too much of love may spoil him/her. Also, you must never manifest your love by way of expensive gifts all the time, as children may not learn the value of effort and money.

It is essential to adapt your parenting to fit your child. Make sure your parenting keeps pace with your child’s development. You may be fighting getting older, but all s/he wants is to grow up.

You must also establish and set rules and be consistent with them. If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehaviour is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool here is consistency.

However, at the same time, avoid harsh discipline. Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side-effects is physical punishment. Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more prone to fighting with other kids. They are more likely to be bullies and use aggression to solve disputes with others.

Most importantly, treat your child with respect. The best way to get respectful treatment from your children is to treat them that way. You should give your children the same courteousness you would give to anyone else. Speak to them politely. Respect their opinion. Pay attention when they are speaking to you. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Remember that your relationship with your children is the foundation of their relationships with others.

Preeti Gambhir, parent & homemaker

You have to work on your relationship with your child too
Many people apply the same tactics their parents did and that usually means using harsh discipline. Children should never be hit or slapped. Evidence shows that hitting causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems with other kids. There are many better ways to discipline a child and do not involve violent behaviour.

A parent’s relationship with his/her child will be reflected in the child’s actions, including behavioural problems. If you do not have a good relationship with your children, they are not going to listen to you. Ever thought how you relate to other adults? If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it is someone you just do not like, you will ignore his/her opinion. It is the same in the case of children.

Parents often forget to consider the child’s feelings and respect him/her. You work on your relationships with other adults, your friendships, your marriage et al. However, what about your relationship with your child? Having a good relationship and being in tune with your child is what really matters. If you achieve this, there will be no issues at all.

Dr Rajni Sehgal, parent & physiotherapist

Remember that you are your child’s first teacher
Parents must always be encouraging. Every little thing that your child does deserves appreciation, be it tidying up the room, making a lovely painting, scoring good marks or winning a competition.

You must thus be there to laud your child’s efforts every time s/he does something good, as this will not only make him/her feel good, but helps develop the overall personality as well.
It is important to foster your child’s interests. Whether it is reading, writing, singing, dancing or sports, encourage your children to indulge in any extra-curricular activity of their choice. However, it is wrong to impose your own interests, likes and dislikes on your children. That is a mistake most parents make.

Remember that you are your child’s first teacher. Hence, you should be careful about what you say and do in front of your children. From a conversation with your spouse or family members to your general behaviour in public, your child picks up everything from you. So, stay away from bad habits because whatever you do, your child will learn the same.  

Kartik Bhasin, parent & entrepreneur