Like mother, like daughter?

If you feel that a mother-daughter relationship’s got to be the simplest one, hang on! It’s anything but that. Poet Sarojini Naidu said it best in her poem The Queen’s Rival that a women’s biggest and best rival is her daughter. The ‘Nightingale of India’ succinctly captures one such dynamic in the story of Queen Gulnaar’s boredom of her beauteous self. Urging the King to find her a fitting rival, the Queen is presented with the prettiest of women, who she disqualifies, but ends up finding her ultimate rival in her daughter.

Many literary texts support the theory of a mother-daughter rivalry. Psychiatrist Hemant Mittal states that there are several factors responsible for conflicts and confrontations between a mother and a daughter.  “The conflicts could arise when daughters begin asserting independence after a certain point in life. They want to learn and explore, but the mother being protective, ends up seeming like a villain. She doesn’t  understand that the child cannot learn without making mistakes,” says Hemant. “However, in some other cases, there is a feeling of rebellion within the daughter. Both mother and her daughter usually share the same physiological and biological constitution,  and hence the daughter expects the mother to be more understanding of her. This could lead her to take her mother for granted. So if the mother pours in her advice that differ from the daughter’s views, she may feel bogged down by the old-school thoughts of her mother,” he explains.

Hemant also points out that in many cases, the mother is often used as a secondary weapon by the elders in the family to show their disapproval or contempt of the daughter’s behaviour. Mamta Shah, 42, mother of an 18-year-old seconds this. “If any of the snoopy relatives mind what my daughter’s wearing, they cough it out to me in a bitchy manner. And, of course, when I go and tell my daughter about it, she gets miffed with me,” she says.

“It’s such an inexplicable bond!” says Shaya Sharma, a 23-year-old media professional. “I have terrible fights with my mother, and then the whole break-up and make-up follows… Seriously, it’s more complicated than my relationship with my boyfriend. I don’t bicker so much even with my guy,” she adds.

But Hemant suggests that the complications that arise between a mother and daughter can be overcome. Communication, he says, is the key to all relationship woes. “Find topics of common interest and discussion, spend more time together, and things will be simpler,” he suggests.