How faithful are you, financially?

When 27-year-old financial consultant Prerna Sinha tied the knot, her husband, accustomed to living in South Mumbai, expected her to contribute to the exorbitant rent of their new South Mumbai apartment. “He asked me details about my income. Without even thinking, I told him a figure that was about Rs15,000 less than what I make,” says Prerna.

Or take the case of 35-year-old copywriter Stan Braganza. He shared a joint account with his former wife, but had another account for investments which he hid from her during their marriage. “The only reason I did that is that my investments were on the riskier side, such as stocks and real estate. I just wanted the freedom to invest without the fear of hearing an ‘I told you so’ from her when things didn’t go well,” he says.

It’s about control
Money has traditionally been one of the sticky points of a marriage. And when one partner conceals information from the other — either what they earn or what they spend or what they invest — it could lead to marital turbulence. In India, however, the underlying issue behind financial infidelity has less to do with who’s hiding how much, than with control, as in the case of Braganza.

“Money plays two important roles: it offers security and it offers freedom,” says Dr Kamal Khurana, a New Delhi-based marriage therapist, “Security refers to saving for the future while freedom refers to the ability to acquire and own. Such attitudes are imbibed in us as we grow up. Generally, girls are raised to believe in the importance of saving while boys are more likely to be indulged through spending.” In Dr Khurana’s experience, financial conflicts in a marriage tend to be a clash between such divergent attitudes about spending and expenditure.

In fact, in 2005, a nationwide study conducted in the United States among married couples found that one in three had lied to their partner about finances, most often about personal spending or spending on the kids. With the subsequent recession, layoffs and rising debts, these numbers are believed to have worsened. Financial experts like David Bach, author of Smart Couples Finish First, list financial infidelity as among the top four reasons for divorce.

Back in India, in the absence of adequate data, and given the growing impact of consumerism, the rise in women’s disposable incomes and, most importantly, the distribution of power regarding money matters in Indian families, gauging the degree of financial honesty in Indian marriages becomes a matter of conjecture at best.

More assertive women
Sangeeta Chitnis, a Mumbai-based financial planner, notes an upward trend in the number of urban double income married couples seeking help with personal finances. But she can recall only a couple of cases where she was requested by her client to withhold financial details from their spouse. However, in interactions with her clients, Chitnis has observed one noticeable change. “Wives today are far more educated and better informed.

They’ve become more assertive and are more clued in about investments and strategic planning for future financial security.”
Srinidhi Krishnan, a 27-year-old media professional, has a joint account with her husband, but the two also hold separate savings accounts. “It might be sensible for both partners to have separate nest eggs in case something goes wrong in the marriage, or in case of an unforeseen calamity,” she says, adding, “But hiding these accounts could also cause distrust and strife.”

As Pinky Anand, a senior advocate in the Supreme High Court, reminds us, women professionals on average still earn a lot less than men. So the amount that a woman might conceal, after spending on the household and kids, will still be minimal. In addition, the very nature of their jobs makes such attempts tricky.

“The scope for concealment is more in cases of family business, where the reins are usually held by men. Most women are engaged in service jobs, so it’s less easy,” she says.

Indeed, if Indian men have traditionally felt that money is not a woman’s concern, so-called ‘equal marriages’ in urban India, in spite of their liberal emphasis on complete transparency, must still contend with our deep-rooted cultural attitudes about money and gender role expectations.

Adds Anand, “One thing is for sure: men in India do not want to share their wealth with their wives. If they do it, they do it grudgingly or under compulsion. I’ve heard men saying that they’d much rather pay their lawyer than their wife. There is also this belief that women don’t need so much money.”

Sociologist Manjima Bhattacharjya also suggests that women in India practice informal ways of saving which might sometimes be misconstrued as concealment. “Women tend to avoid formal monetary structures. Microfinance is crucial to how women save.

This can range from self-help groups among rural women to kitty parties among middle-class housewives.” These savings are consequently channelled into purchasing something for the household or child care, say, buying a microwave or sending a child to tuitions.

When she lies, let it lie
Though statistics about financial infidelity in Indian marriages are hard to come by, the battle of the sexes over money matters is most evident in cases of divorce. Divorce lawyer Mrunalini Deshmukh observes that in eight out of ten cases get prolonged because of disagreement over finances. “Unlike the Western scenario, issues over money are not yet the primary cause for divorce, but claims of money withheld become a major point of conflict during divorce.  However, it’s advisable not to lie about one’s finances in a marriage. Apart from possible legal implications, it would destroy trust in the relationship,” she says.

On the other hand, clinical psychologist Rhea Tembhekar feels that not being completely transparent about one’s finances isn’t necessarily a bad thing provided you’re not depriving your partner or family in any way. “I advise my clients against having a joint account. Every individual has his or her own ways of spending and saving. It’s better to pool in resources for household
expenditure but keep separate accounts,” she says.

While there are two views about telling your partner everything versus concealing much your financials, what cannot be disputed is that it is better to keep communication lines on this issue open instead of brushing it under the carpet. Take, for instance, the case of 45-year-old Saurabh Gandhi, a PR professional, and his wife Purvi, a healthcare professional. The two are, on the surface, happily married. Yet, underneath, there are high tension wires charged with resentment.

Says Gandhi, “I know that my wife has hidden her purchases from me in the past. She once bought some jewellery and told me only when she felt it was the right time.” Purvi, however, has a different take. “I’ve never hidden any purchases from my husband,” she says. “Yes, I did buy some jewellery once, but couldn’t tell him because he was out of town. When he was back, I did tell him.”

So, do either of them feel that there are unresolved financial issues in their marriage? “Well, when financial conflicts happen, I don’t go out of my way to try to resolve them. I just let it lie and then life moves on and you forget,” says Gandhi. As for Janaki, “We’ve never faced any financial conflict in our marriage,” she says. (Some names have been changed on request)