Daddy cool: Redefining fatherhood

Today's the 100th anniversary of Father's Day. DNA meets new-age fathers who're redefining their traditional role of bread-winner by getting hands-on with child-rearing. Besides, spending more time with kids is also becoming the cool thing to do.

In Charlie, Molly and Maya Raghavan's school in Bangalore, there is an unlikely sight every evening: their dad. Badri Raghavan can be spotted swimming proudly through the tidal wave of moms, ayahs, drivers, and domestic helps to pick his children up. 

No calls during 'daddy hour'
Badri, as he prefers to be called, belongs to a fast-growing breed of 21st century dads who are making a conscious effort to hang out more with their children. He not only picks them up from school everyday, but also attends all parent-teacher meetings and class performances. 5 to 9 pm are 'daddy hours' when he won't even receive phone calls. The people in his office know it, and so do his friends.

Badri recalls how different it was when he was growing up. "My father came to school with me only twice. Once, when I was admitted and the other time when I was graduating," says the technocrat, who is co-founder of Prediction Machines, a consultancy firm in the 'clean tech' sector. "Despite staying under the same roof, we never had a real conversation. There was only one-way communication and nobody could question his authority."

The new-age dad shies away from the traditional ‘disciplinarian’ role, preferring an identity that is hands-on, involved and playful instead. With working moms becoming equal partners in the bread-winning stakes and telecommuting opening new options for a work-life balance, today's dads are finding ways to spend more time with their kids.

Besides, it's also the cool thing to do. "Urban fathers are not apprehensive about helping their wives with household chores, changing diapers, staying up nights. Men with taxing jobs also make it a point to spend more time with their children," says clinical psychologist Varkha Chulani. Being an active father is becoming the norm rather than an anomaly.

'Wish babies had manuals'
However, the transition from dad as a breadwinner to the hands-on pop who doesn't shirk from diaper changes isn't half as easy as it sounds. "Somehow mothers are always tuned into it. But fathers like me don't know where to begin. I wish the babies would come with instruction manuals," quips Bijoy Fernandes. His wife Megan gave birth to twin baby girls three months ago and the couple have their hands full. Bijoy has given up his 'football nights' and Sunday treks. "I am not the only one. One of my friends suddenly disappeared from our circle when he had a baby last year. We call it 'growing up'." The couple works on a schedule these days, where Bijoy stays up alternate nights and the two also rotate "diaper responsibility". Megan confirms he knows all the diaper brands and which are soft and which are not. She only has one grouse. "When the babies start crying post-midnight, Bijoy panics and starts jumping around too."

But modern dads are not all that clueless about parenthood either. Bijoy is the one who usually takes the babies to their paediatrician, and he has read up all the child care books around.

The stay-at-home dad
Gautam Benegal, filmmaker and artist, is a stay-at-home dad who cooks breakfast for the family and prepares his 11-year-old son Anand for school. He's hands-on with his son's academic requirements. And every vacation, the father and son take an expedition they call the HTH (Hit The Highway), in which the mother rarely participates. "The trip is  great for me and my son. This time we travelled all through Maharashtra, stayed in motels, swam in the sea and did loads of photography," says Benegal.

Guitar lessons with daughter
While Benegal has the option of working out of his home, there are others who are making compromises with their careers and earnings to spend more time at home. Rahul Chandawarkar, a media professional, says he regretted missing out on those 'diaper years' and was determined to make up it. When his daughter Tanvi was five, he realised how detached he was from her life. So he quit his job and took up freelancing. "My wife was against it. She felt I should focus on my career but I knew  these years with my daughter would never come back."

While his wife, who is currently a senior manager with Infosys, started working full-time, Rahul managed the home front — making sure Tanvi reached school on time, that she ate a proper lunch, and that she kept up with her studies. The father-daughter duo joined guitar classes together. Though his career stalled, he does not regret it. Tanvi, who is now 16, says the decision made a huge difference to her life. "My friends are scared of their fathers. They are intimidated. I don't understand it. My father and I bicker all the time. I had to give him guitar lessons. He was terrible at it."

Being there in tough times
Firdaus Shroff would relate with this father-daughter bond. He used to wake up at 5 every morning to cook breakfast for his daughter Kyra. He would then have to humour her to get her to eat. "It was an unusual situation," he remembers. The two were in Bangalore, Firdaus having left the rest of his family — his wife, son and other daughter — and his business back in Mumbai, so that Kyra could train in the Bhupati Academy for Tennis. Young Kyra, who was 10, had been diagnosed with a debilitating illness.

Relatives suggested she recuperate at home. But for Firdaus, it was Kyra's wishes that mattered. She wanted to continue the sport, and he decided to be there for her. "It was a tough time for us," he recounts. The business started making losses but the real challenge for Firdaus was taking care of Kyra's needs. "Kyra was moody, wondering why she had to suffer such an illness, and I had to be a father and a mother and everything else required to give her support." He returned to Mumbai a year and a half later, but only after ensuring that Kyra had taken control of her illness. Today, at 16, she plays in the junior circuit in Europe.

This change in attitude toward fatherhood has a larger social significance too. As psychologist Chulani puts it, "We might dismiss it as something modern men do, but we should realise that we are breaking stereotypes here. Sons will see their fathers helping out with household chores and will naturally assume the responsibility when they grow up. These fathers are changing our society."

Meanwhile, as the clock strikes 3, Badri Raghavan rushes off, jostling with the moms, ayahs and drivers to pick up his children from school, hardly aware of how he is an agent of social change. "I can't wait to hear them recount their day," he says happily.