Simi's Mum's Diary: The Daughter of all Battles

Well, well. Simi does not require a sex change operation after all — no young man is trapped in her body. She has accused me of being a psychopath trapped in a mother’s body, instead. Rohit agreed whole heartedly and father and daughter ganged up on me like a pack of hyenas viciously tearing into a cuddly, innocent rabbit.

The explanation for the 5 hot pink male undies I had discovered in the laundry basket was v. simple. They belong to Manav – an obviously skinny, finicky, hygiene-conscious boy in Simi’s college who lives in the hostel. He doesn’t want to wash them there because they get mixed up with other people’s undies on the common clothesline. I exploded when Simi told me this.

‘How dare you offer my services as his laundry woman — the cheek!’

Simi shrugged. ‘Oh stop making a big deal out of it, Mum. You just sit on your fat ass all day anyway.’

This made me angrier. I’d quit my job two years after Simi was born. Had hired a lovely full-time English-speaking nanny for her and the arrangement appeared to be working beautifully till one evening Simi pointed to a goldfish in her picture book and triumphantly said, ‘Phees.’ Not surprising, really, because the English-speaking nanny was from some state in the East – can’t remember which.

‘Excuse me, I sacrificed my brilliant career to ensure that you didn’t embarrass yourself by saying “Phees” in public places like restaurants and aquariums,’ I coldly reminded her and strode into my room. Slammed the bedroom door shut v. hard and flung self on bed.

Decided that I absolutely will not wash that hostelite’s undies. Simi can bung them in the washing machine herself if she wants to be nice to him. Or even lovingly embroider his initials on them so they don’t get mixed up, for all I care! That’s when the penny dropped: Oh my freaking god, Simi probably had a crush on this fastidious hot pink underwear guy!

My gloom vanished, and I rushed out and confronted her. Not directly, of course – she bites occasionally. I sang a few lines of a song to provoke her: ‘I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes, love is all around me...’

Rohit looked puzzled.

‘Why so happy suddenly?’ he asked. Men are pathetic, really.

I archly said, ‘I’m celebrating Simi’s latest crush - the hot pink underwear guy.’

Simi glared ferociously. Aha – so I was right!

‘Oh stop it! Can’t I, like, lead a normal life without you guys butting in?’ she snarled.

Rohit took over. ‘Tell us about him,’ he urged in a warm, fatherly manner.

‘Why should I? It’s not like I’m going to marry him or anything.’

Rohit grinned at her. ‘Good girl! I’ve brought you up well — never marry the first person who makes your heart turn cartwheels.  But will it seriously kill you to tell us how long you’ve known him?’

Simi blushed and mumbled, ‘Um a few months, like, a little over 4 months.’

‘Can we meet him?’ I asked. I was dying to see what sort of guy turned Simi on. She can be terrifyingly hard to please.

Simi looked horrified. ‘No way! He’ll be totally put off. You guys are so not cool!’
‘I’m not cool?’ Rohit whined in a hurt voice.

Simi hugged him guiltily.

‘Sorry, Dad. You’re cool. She’s not,’ she added, darting a vicious glare at me.
‘So can I meet him, then?’ he pleaded.

‘No – not yet, but you can see him if you want.  He’s playing at the college fest next week. I’ll give you passes only if you promise to sneak away after the show. Be warned, I will not acknowledge your presence. And Mum, no yucky cleavage-revealing tees please.’
‘But how will we know which one is the one?’ Rohit wisely asked.

‘He’s playing lead guitar.’

I gasped. ‘But you always play lead guitar in the college band! And where’s your guitar anyway? I haven’t seen it around lately.’

Simi looked shifty. ‘It’s in college. Now drop the interrogation!’
Uh oh. Something’s pheesy.