Performance review to save your marriage?

A couple nervously settles down on the couch. It’s not a session with the counsellor that’s got them worked up. It’s the fact, that they will have to address issues that are bothering them and so far have been brushed under the carpet. After all, nothing gets couples more worked up than the sentence, “We need to talk.” But that’s also because they are avoiding addressing issues that crop up from time to time, which can later emerge as far larger problems. A recent suggestion by a couples’ clinic in Worcester promises to avoid this if couples adapt a workplace-like performance review in their relationship.

How it can help?

Recently, WSJ cited an experiment, which was conducted by James Cordova, professor of psychology and director of the Centre for Couples and Family Research at Clark University. Here, couples were asked to fill out questionnaires assessing each other’s strengths and weaknesses. While a control sample was told that their appointment had been delayed, the others had to go through for six monthly checkups. The ones with the six-monthly checkups reported greater increased happiness than the ones whose appointments never materialised. What this does seem to indicate is that a regular follow up, examining issues that are bothering you and addressing things in time can definitely help in maintaining a healthy marriage. We got experts to weigh in the facts.

Psychiatrist Dr Hemant Mittal believes the a workplace-like performance review can help in many areas of a relationship. He says, “Whether it’s adjustment, clearing misunderstandings, releasing relationship stress, solving any sexual issues, all of the above can help to look at togetherness more positively.” However, rather than going for a half-yearly review, he suggests starting with a six-month review for the first two years, then following that up with an annual evaluation for five years and then an evaluation if required. Hemant adds, “Doing this will help the couple become independent of their need for a therapist, also giving a goal directed approach.” However, he does caution people admitting that this can only work with progressive minded couples. There are many factors why people choose not to talk about their problems. Hemant says, “While some feel they can handle issues on their own, others feel a counsellor of a psychiatrist is only for mad people. Then there are others, who take too long to factor personality issues as a problem. All of this can ultimately affect the choices they make as a couple. Especially, the decision to admit they need help.” Seema Hingorrany, clinical psychologist and author, adds, “In the experiment, the couples must have got a fair insight into their relationship, which might have enhanced their sensitivity levels, empathy and love for each other. However, one shoe cannot fit all. Some clients need more guidance and help than others. While a monthly review would work for some couples, for others a six-monthly review would work better. It varies according to the case history of each couple.”

Key to getting it right

Monthly or half-yearly reviews can only work if it involves in-depth chats and the focus is on the relationship and not on a person’s annoying habits. A couple has to agree on common goals, so that at the end when they are up for a review, they can access the progress they have made.