Parenting expectations: Setting the right tone

A well-meaning parent or teacher has certain expectations from a child, and these days with children in kindergarten from as early as 10 months, these expectations carry a number of priorities apart from academic milestones, especially softer skills and I must admit, the world is better for it. Children growing up with values such as humility and integrity are surely on the right path and as adults, we play a critical role in modelling these for them. Just like we did it for them when they did not know how to speak, they listened to us, followed the formation of words with the way our mouth curved and attempted to use the same words when communicating themselves. They learnt by example, and if we can remember this basic principle of mentoring, then instilling these values will be a natural outcome.

It’s important that teachers or adults introspect before attempting to ‘instil’ values. These are not scientific formulae that kids can learn by rote, or Cassius’s speech in Julius Caesar. These are life skills and experiences that become a part of their personality and therefore, need grooming. And each experience will enrich them with lessons to remember when they turn adults.

While there is no magic framework to impart this, here are a few ideas that will hopefully make it simpler for you with the magical three Cs:

1. Communicate

2. Collaborate

3. Correct (Positive re-enforcement)

It is critical for adults to be mindful of their role as communicators and how they become transmitters of information to the younger generation. I have often heard mothers tell their children, “You need to be more humble.” How can a five-year-old fathom what that means unless you bring in a perspective, and explain that in context. Therefore, communicate.

Collaboration is another important aspect for it always helps adults act as role models and demonstrate with actions what they wish to see in their children. Children absorb these acts far better than words, and we often forget to practice what we preach. So, for example, when you are bragging about how you bailed a friend out of trouble in a business deal by taking a shortcut, remember that your child registers this as an acceptable act and follows it. Then when he stands up for his friend and defends him for an unacceptable act and gets into trouble, you are hardly going to be able to tell him off.

Being a role model as an adult has consequences, so weigh your words and acts!

The last one is perhaps as important as the first two, simply because often children learn best by making mistakes. So if your child has really stretched the norms of bragging and showing off his new car, instead of humiliating him, sit him or her down and explain why that is unacceptable. Correcting can become an important tool and sometimes consequences to actions can be life-saving lessons for the child and save him from embarrassment in the future.

The good news is that the era our children are born, the kind of exposure and the kind of attention to detail they have is possible because of the advances in systems and processes, they already have a headstart in terms of their reflection and understanding of expectations.

Let us give them some more breathing space and freedom to really come of age with these skills and values. Remember, Rome was not built in one day!

AUTHOR BIO

The author, Fatima Agarkar, is an educationist and co-founder KA Edu Associates.