Just friends, no benefits

When media professional Shweta Sen first moved to Delhi from Kolkata a few years ago, she never imagined that her decision to share a one-bedroom apartment with a female colleague would trigger a slew of jokes. The fact that they decided to share a bed in the tiny apartment didn’t help either. “Initially, we thought we would take a larger place and have our own bedrooms or beds at least,” remembers Sen. “But then we found this place which was wonderful. The rent was high considering it was a posh locality. It was fully furnished and there was one double bed, so we slept side-by-side for 18 months.”

It was a matter of time before Sen became the butt of jokes. “I remember a male friend was visiting from LA. He dropped me home after dinner one day and wanted to see my apartment. I remember how his jaw dropped when I proudly showed off my bedroom. He said, ‘You’re kidding, right? This can’t be!’”

The jokes even spread to after-work parties. “There were occasions when I had to leave a party early and everyone would say ‘Yes, you need to go home early because your partner is waiting for you in bed’,” says Sen, who is now based in Dubai.

Until recently, same-sex friends holding hands, hugging and spending a lot of time together was never considered strange or odd behaviour in India. But are we getting increasingly suspicious of close same-sex friendships and relationships?

Psychiatrists, psychologists and sociologists say a unanimous yes. They say that people have begun to read too much into close friendships between same-sex friends because of an increase in awareness about homosexuality (or even an overexposure to the subject) and a
persistent fear about alternate sexuality.

No country for same-sex friendships?
When the US Supreme Court ruled in favour of gay marriage by overturning the Defense of Marriage Act a few days ago, the august New Yorker magazine celebrated by carrying on its cover a drawing that showed Bert and Ernie — best buddies and long-time roommates from educational TV series Sesame Street — cuddling in front of the TV.

Bert and Ernie (who share a bedroom, but not a bed) have battled gay rumours for years — a 2011 online petition even asked the show’s creators to get the two married. In response, the Children’s Television Workshop highlighted one important detail — the muppets “do not exist beneath the waist” and hence, have no sexual orientation.

The New Yorker cover evoked polarised reactions. Celebrities like Mia Farrow hailed it, others severely criticised it. Slate magazine called it a “terrible way to commemorate a major civil rights victory,” and explained that there is a big difference between gay lovers and same-sex friends.

That’s something Chennai-based entrepreneur Samir Dutt wants to drill into everyone’s head. He is 29 years old, good-looking and single. His best friend of 15 years is a male friend from school. Pictures of the two on Facebook elicited comments from friends suggesting that the two are gay that, Dutt was convinced, were made in jest. Only recently, he realised that they were only half joking. “A very close friend called on my birthday to say that she would support my decision to come out of the closet. But I am not gay. And if I am, why would I hide it?” asks an exasperated Dutt.

It doesn’t help if you are single and not showing any interest in getting married.

When Delhi-based IT professional Khushboo Nair went home to Kerala for a few weeks, her mother sat her down to ask whether Nair has “body issues” while questioning her lack of interest in getting married. “I have been living with my college buddy for almost six years now. Initially my parents were very happy.
Now, they are convinced we are up to no good,” laughs the 28-year-old.

Fear can affect friendships
Such irrational behaviour by parents, guardians and friends can affect children, especially young ones, adversely and contribute to the stigma that homosexuality is abnormal and to be feared.

Clinical psychologist Seema Hingorrany says that young children are already very conscious of being too playful, physically, with friends. “They are very uptight about being labelled or teased about being homosexual. So, they maintain a distance from their friends, which is sad,” she says.

She recently interacted with a mother who was depressed that her son, an engineering student, spent too much time with a male classmate at home behind closed doors. “One day, she spotted the boys having a pillow fight which further stoked her fear. I spoke to the son. The two boys, in fact, turned out to have girlfriends, which the mother did not know about!”

There seems to be an increase in the number of parents who conclude that extended singlehood is linked to, well, ‘body issues’. Clinical psychologist Samindara Sawant says that years ago, she would get calls from parents worried about their children’s sexual orientation once in two years. “Today, I get such calls five or six times a year, which is a huge increase. Even now, parents refrain from using terms like ‘homosexual’. They say things like ‘My daughter’s friend is very manly’.”

Sociologist Nandini Sardesai attributes this to the cultural ethos of India. The phenomenon is a fairly recent one, she explains, as more youngsters opt to remain single for a longer time. This happens because “we are straitjacketed into thinking in one way and we can’t think beyond that.”

Maybe there will come a day when no one will bother if best friends of the same sex are friends or lovers, because neither situation will be viewed as unusual.
*Some names have been changed on request.

When fingers point at friends

Joey and Chandler



Friends, that hugely popular sitcom of the 90s, focussed on six 20-something New Yorkers. One of the series’ most notable and discussed (a paper on the topic was even presented at the European Feminist Research Conference in 2000) plot points is the relationship between best friends and long time room-mates, Chandler Bing and Joey Tribbiani.

After Joey moves out of the apartment, the two friends get into an argument about who served better ‘eggs’ – Joey or Chandler’s new room-mate. Joey is also the most upset (even more than Chandler’s wife, Monica) about Chandler’s move to Tulsa. But one memorable scene that added more fuel to speculation that the two were more than ‘just friends’ is when the two argue about who’s the better ‘parent’ to their pet, the chick.

Hercule Poirot



Many fans believe author Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot, the famous little Belgian detective with a luxuriant moustache, is gay. That conclusion may have been reached because Poirot has no notable romantic interest and gets along well with his two male allies, Inspector Japp and Captain Hastings.  Actor David Suchet, who played Poirot in the TV series Agatha Christie’s Poirot, addressed the rumours saying that Poirot is “definitely not gay” and is just “a typical bachelor of his time, the 1930s.”

Batman and Robin



Ah, the superhero and his sidekick. Rumors about the nature of their friendship is as popular as the comic book itself. Psychiatrist Fedric Wertham declared in his book, Seduction of the Innocent, that the two are in a homosexual relationship, pointing to the fact that the two live together and that Batman, who at times wears a dressing gown at home, gets a kick out of seeing female villains “banged around”. It doesn’t help that in one Batman comic, the two are shown in bed together, with Batman remarking that he had a good night’s sleep and that all he wanted was a cold shower and big breakfast.