How does hedonic adaptation set in and how can we slow down the process?

It seems we have become desensitised. In the last few months with Kashmir, Dhaka, Turkey, Paris, Dallas; it seems nothing moves us. How did this happen? At a micro level, have we have stopped relating to each other? How did we adapt to these huge negativities so easily? It might surprise you, but humans adapt to both positive and negative events rather easily. 

It is a question that mystifies a lot of people. What makes you happy? The automatic answers are money, material goods, jobs and achievement goals, relationships, health, family and community. Then I ask, what makes them unhappy, the answer is... money, material goods, achievement goals, relationships and family, health, and in very few cases, community. 

This is perplexing because we have made mind-numbingly long strides in each of these domains. 

Has our increase in wealth been matched by an increase in our life satisfaction and happiness? 

As a country we earn more than ever before. Some of our salaries sometimes match those of our counterparts in developed countries. India’s per capita GDP (all in PPP) increased from $5,500 in 2013 to $ 6,200 in 2015. Has our happiness kept pace? 

Whenever I talk about this number, I am told China is at $14,100, hence our growth is not good enough. 

Why does the income and happiness of the Chinese have to do with the income and happiness of Indians? Do you think Chinese are twice as happy as Indians, because they earn twice as much? Well Iran ($17,300), Saudi Arabia ($53,600), and Qatar ($132,100) should have multiple levels of happiness. 

When you probe further, about why they need the money, the answer is to provide for their families. 

We have better malls, schools, theatres, hospitals, doctors etc. Our clothes are stitched in exotic countries and made available to us at the click of a button. People land up at our doorstep to give us home and personal loans. We have nicer houses, with much furniture and air-conditioning. We drive faster cars and holiday in locations that are difficult to locate on a map. 

So then, with so much material growth, why has our happiness not grown, and perhaps has even declined? 

Scientists have discovered that the impact of positive events, regardless of their value, fades over a period of time. 

Dan Gilbert and Tim Wilson found that lottery winners indeed experienced a burst of happiness soon after winning the lottery, but a year later, their happiness had returned to their original baseline. Gilbert and Wilson called it psychological immunity. 

Sonjya Lyubomirsky called this hedonic adaptation and what she calls the reverting to the set point. In her research she found that people react and adapt to positive experiences rather quickly. The initial boost gives way to a gradual deterioration till the original set point. You can look at this set point as an individual baseline of happiness. 

How does that happen? 

The first reason is social comparison: We link our happiness to our neighbours and friends. We might be thrilled with our new car, till Mr Patel, buys a more expensive car. You treat yourself to an Indian brand, till Mrs Singh walks wearing a designer brand. You might be thrilled with your child scoring 90% marks, till you figure that, Mr Iyer’s kids scored more marks than yours.

So money and material goods does not do it. You might think having goals and achievements will surely help. 

Achievement of goals: My best guess is that the real race starts with school board examinations. You are told that this is the most important examination of your life. You work hard and get the desired marks. Your happiness lasts a few days or weeks.

Why does this restlessness set in?

The second reason is “creeping normalcy”: Every positive experience raises the bar for every subsequent experience. Scoring 95% is not great. You set another academic goal. You find a new normal. 

So now you are in a college that you desired. The first day is exciting, but by the time you get to the final year, you have seen all the cool seniors in college get placed in great jobs. You figure out, that perhaps, when you get a job, you will be happy. 

Well you are happy at landing the dream job. That high does not last. We all know how the job story continues to unfold. The attrition and engagement scores published by Gallup in India and across the world are bleak.

Your boss can sack you, or you can sack your boss, and you will have a job within a few weeks. If you don’t, well just start your own business. But then, are people who run businesses happier than people in normal jobs? 

Not really, you will be accustomed to a “new normal” or “business as usual”. 

Now lets move to the holy grail of happiness….relationships.

Do relationships and family make us happy?

Compared to a decade back, it is much easier to get into a relationship. It is perfectly fine for a girl to ask a guy out. There are websites and apps, which help you, find a partner for any length of duration. Unlike thirty years back, it is now perfectly all right to marry out of your caste. If you don’t wish to plonk for the entire marriage, you can settle for a live-in relationship. 

With all this freedom, you would assume relationships and relatedness would be on the increase? 

How does hedonic adaptation set in? The phase of courting is marked with intense longing, a desire to always be with the person and psychological and physiological attraction. Sooner or later, the fun element begins to diminish. The thrill goes away. 

Marriage is the next answer. Research shows, that the happiness does increase in the period from the date of the engagement. However, on an average, the happiness lasts for two years after marriage.

J Sternberg in his book A New Look At Love distinguishes passionate love from companiate love. It is natural for the “fun” and excitement to reduce. While passionate love is important to form a relationship, it is companiate love, which, helps in nourishing and establishing a stable and flourishing relationship. 

It might be a sign of age, coupled with social and financial freedom, that I hear of more separations and divorces than marriages. I guess some people are still seeking for passionate love. 

Over the last few years, relationships and a sense of relatedness have taken a beating. A dear colleague pointed out, we are more comfortable expressing our emotions using emojis than in real life. Screen time has taken away a significant part of our relationships. I had a colleague whose 10-year-old daughter pointed out to her that she should spend more time with her husband instead of Facebook. That is a harbinger of bad news for relationships.

Can we slow down the process of hedonic adaptation? 

Lyubomirsky and Ken Sheldon developed a theory called UVA – Unexpectedness – Variety - Attention. When we encounter a positive event, we are pleasantly surprised. A new relationship, a new job, a new friend, a new coffee shop, is full of these surprises. We then crave variety. A relationship is full of discovery about each other. Lastly, we give it a lot of investment and attention. 

1)  Savor the small things. Pause and take time out to enjoy the smaller pleasures of life. 
2)  Build a memory album: Keep clicking lots of pictures and build a small portfolio of the things you love and carry them with you. It could be pictures of loved ones. It could be pictures of your holidays. Every once in a while, undertake a time travel into the past and relive those cherished memories. 
3)  Gratitude: You could write a gratitude letter to a person who has made a difference in your life, but you have never told the person. You may even decide to mail the letter. Some people find it to write a weekly gratitude journal. It helps bring the seemingly mundane joys, that you have worked hard to achieve. 
4)  Pride and celebrations: It may seem arrogant, but pride is a great positive emotion. Take the time out to celebrate in your own or someone else’s success. 

Is there an upside to this adaptation?

Recovering from the large jolts of life: 
Lowenstein and Riis conducted a similar happiness study with patients undergoing dialysis. You would think that patients would be miserable with their lives. After a period of time, the patients had adapted to the new normal and were back at the set point, where they started. When cancer patients received their positive diagnosis, it was a wake up call for them and their families. 

The biggest three biggest jolts a person can receive is
a)    Loss of a loved one or a positive diagnosis for a chronic ailment.
b)    Loss of employment (even more if you are the sole bread earner) 
c)    Divorce or loss of trust in a long standing relationships 

Your mind undergoes a process of anticipating the worst, remembering similar past experiences of bad luck, ruminating over your bad fortune and of course endless discussions about the event. Your mind just does not let go. You become desensitised to what is happening around you. This is when the “psychological immune system” kicks in. When faced with stress and trauma, how we assuage our anxiety and suffering and undertake a recovery is called coping. 

First, Finding benefit finding: Dan Ariely and George Loewenstein proposed that when we are in a "hot" state (pain, anger, hungry, jealous) we couldn’t empathise with others or with ourselves. Whereas in a "cold" state (pain free, calm, satiated, or indifferent) our judgment would be more empathetic. Once the system has cooled down, you figure out that your life is in fact better off. The divorce from an abusive spouse is a much better. You can find a deeper explanation to what happened. 

Second, enabling personal growth and transformation: 

1)   Using self-empathy and self-compassion: Kristin Neff calls it acknowledging that what you are experiencing is genuine, yet common to humanity. Instead of thinking “Why does this happen only to me?” you recognise that humans have this resilience to face up to this adversity and this gives you some courage to take action. 
2)   Using the emotion of awe: Barbara Fredrickson calls awe as a self-transcendent emotion. It takes place when you are faced with goodness on a large scale that leaves you feeling humble and you feel that you are a part of a larger and grander whole. It could take place when you watch a sunrise or a sunset. You could be in awe of a political leader or a spiritual teacher. Personally I love this video to experience awe. 

3)  Using the emotion of inspiration: Inspiration is a tripartite play of the “evocation” of an act of human excellence, a sense of “transcendence”, when border after border opened up, and a sense of “motivation” to do something good; three components which make up the psychological construct of inspiration. You cannot force yourself to be inspired. What you can do it to is to open yourself up to new experiences and to interpret the experiences you see in your everyday life. Scott Barry Kaufman states, “Both components of inspiration are important: Yang (being inspired to) without yin (being inspired by) is devoid of meaning and spirituality, and yin without yang is stagnancy.” To sum up in a little table. 

To conclude, as someone wise said, “It is almost as if someone handed out a treasure hunt, and we begin to run the race of our lives. Study hard. Get a job. Make money. Find a partner. Have children.” Then we raise them; to study hard so that they get a job, find apartner….phew. While we continue to invest in our goals, a little investment in savouring the small pleasures of life, enhances the victory and push through the agonies of defeat. When you see the humanity come forth to help each other in Kashmir, Chennai, Mumbai, Dhaka, Turkey, Paris, Dallas, and Nice; you might be inspired to join in and help, one human being at a time. Maybe, start with yourself. 

The author is the Founder of The Positivity Company, where he helps business leaders become more positive and productive.