A handy guide to explain your single status.
It’s that time of the year when even regular people undergo a startling metamorphosis, and start to behave like the ageing neighbourhood aunty who believes the universe will implode if you don’t share your marriage plans with her. It’s that time when singlehood is seen as a badge of shame, as people speak under their breath and try to figure out which of your despicable qualities are responsible for your non-existent dating life. It’s a tradition as old as time, so we thought it would be good to come up with a handy list of excuses to explain your singlehood without things getting too awkward.
Say you have taken a vow of celibacy for the nation
We live in times where patriotic fervour is at its highest, where the national anthem plays before blockbusters and the Indian Army is used as an argument to end all debates. At a time like this, Bhagat Singh’s original Meri dulhan to azaadi can be rephrased to suggest that you have taken a Bhishma Pitamah-like vow of celibacy to work for the betterment of the country.
Say V-day is a capitalist, Western concept to make money and you won’t play ball
Saint Valentine would have never thought that Valentine’s Day would become such a raging success across the world, a phenomenon that is being used to sell everything from razors to deodorants to condoms. Big corporations figured out that the best way to make money would be take the very concept of love and link it to whatever they want to sell. Love – as the fictitious womanizer Don Draper once famously said – was invented by admen to sell nylon.
But it’s time to put an end to the madness, and as proud inheritors of a culture that is 5000 years old (give or take a few millennia) it’s time we stop falling for such frivolous notions and refuse to shell out hard-earned money to fill up the pockets of fat cats.
Claim that monogamous relationships are a social construct
Friedrich Nietzsche, the legendary German thinker whose philosophical outlook has inspired a million copycats from the Nazis to Fight Club, once famously said that morality was a herd instinct. On this unholy day, you can use that oft-repeated quote to state that you don’t buy into the notion of monogamous relationships, that it’s against our baser evolutionary nature that demands men plant their seeds as far as feasible.
Say you are a cultural fanatic and ask to be pointed to the nearest couple
And finally the best defence to explain one's innate singledom is to take the cultural route. While there have been attempts in the past to remodel Valentine's Day, hashtag legend Asaram Bapu, who's in jail after being accused of raping a minor, wanted the day to be called Parents' Worship Day.
But while harassing couples has become a thing of the past even for most mainstream political parties, there are still enough groups who are hell-bent on saving 'culture'. So, push comes to shove, all you have to do is put on a big tika, put on a long saffron kurta, and ask them to point you towards the nearest couple. Trust us, it will work every time.
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