International Women’s Day 2017: 15 things not to say to an Indian woman

If you were an alien who just landed on earth, you’d be forgiven for thinking that International Women’s Day was a day to give out free sangrias and other ‘girly’ drinks and discounts at malls to women. It’s kind of ironic that a day that sparked the Russian Revolution has now been so overwhelmingly taken over by capitalism and commodified. However, only an idiot would argue that we don’t need a Women’s Day or that the feminist movement is unnecessary. Women around the world and in India continue to face prejudices of all kinds all the time, getting asked things that no one would dare ask a man.

Despite the fact that we are in 2017, society still continues to consider women as wombs with feelings, and tends to not take their achievements, dreams or struggles seriously. And we have an exasperating habit of walking up to them and saying the most annoying things. So, on International Women’s Day 2017, the author talked to a host of Indian women from different age groups and asked them to describe the things that they are absolutely tired of hearing.

1. When are you going to settle down and why are you still single?

A highly-educated senior journalist recently asked Sania Mirza this question, which indicates that no matter how many medals or trophies you put up, at the end of the day you’re expected to ‘settle down’. For a lot of people, a woman’s life goal is to find another person, have his babies and slink into a maternity cave. These people will never get that there’s more to life than reproducing.

Years of conditioning have led us to believe that singlehood is some sort of punishment for being undesirable, and the societal judgement is even greater as a woman’s age goes up. Maybe, just maybe, being single is a choice which is infinitely more desirable than being stuck with a jerk for life.

2. How do you manage the work-life balance?

Another annoying question that’s mostly addressed to working women, as if the rest of us have access to some magical space-time continuum where we don’t need to have a work-life balance. Managing the household, in 2017, where both partners work, is no longer just a woman’s job.

3. At least your husband/partner lets you work, helps out with household chores.

This statement is thrown around as though a guy ought to get a medal for letting his wife/girlfriend/partner work, as if it’s his call what she chooses to do with her life. Similarly, if a husband or partner helps out with the household work, there's no reason to bestow a medal upon him. Last time we checked, there were no medals being handed out for not being a chauvinist pig and it's time we stopped celebrating men simply for not being jerks. 

4. Staring is wrong, but if you dress like that...

Every woman the author has known has faced sexual harassment on the streets at least once in their life, which tells us all we need to know about the monsters we are breeding. What’s worst is that these situations often ends up in victim blaming where the burden is passed on to the women and what they are wearing. So let’s make it clear, no harassment is justified, no matter what a woman wears. 

5. Is it that time of the month?

Our understanding of menstruation does not seem to go beyond cultural memes fuelled by sanitary napkin ads, which leads many to believing that a woman’s mood is dictated simply by her uterus. No, just because she lashed out at you for being an idiot, doesn’t mean it’s that TIME OF THE MONTH.

6. When are your parents getting you married?

It seems parents don’t just have to raise children but make sure they find a suitable mate and every single woman is sick and tired of hearing the M word. It’s even more galling when it’s made out to be the endgame for parenting.

7. Are you sure you want to wear that?

What a woman chooses to wear is her choice, and the only person who ought to have a say is the person wearing it. It doesn’t matter if she is wearing a burkha or a spaghetti top, it’s her freaking choice.  

8. Oh, you're a feminist. It'll be difficult for you to settle down then.

The F-word has been vitiated beyond belief and become almost synonymous with misandry. Feminists aren’t male-hating women, they aren’t even all women. A feminist is simply someone, male or female, who wants a society where there’s no discrimination based on gender.

9. Your safety is in your hands.

Victim-blaming is the order of the day, and instead of the perpetrators, women are often blamed for being harassed. It’s about time we taught our men that nothing justifies harassment.

10. You're a girl. You should be able to cook, no?

Another archaic thought based on an outdated belief in the division of labour is that it’s a woman’s job to keep the stove burning while men put bread on the table. Cooking is a basic life skill and everyone ought to know it, irrespective of gender.

11. Your body clock is ticking...

This is a variation of the ‘when are you getting married and having kids’ accusation that is thrown at women every day. It doesn’t matter if her body clock is ticking, it’s her choice when and if she wants to have kids, and it’s perfectly okay if she doesn’t!

12. That's not how a lady speaks.

We often have a problem with a vocal woman, and when what she is saying can’t be countered with facts, we tend to fall back upon shaming her for voicing her opinion. There’s no single way to be a woman and it’s time we stop asking them to be ‘lady-like’.

13. Every girl does/goes through it...

A classic tactic to normalise any sort of sexual harassment or anything a woman experiences, saying ‘every girl goes through it’ is the worst way to normalise harassment. Being a man, does not give them the license to be jerks for eternity.

14. Women have it easy…

Another common misconception that’s extremely popular among Men Right’s Activists (MRAs) is that women have it easy, that bosses are supposedly easier on them. It stems somewhat from the years of ingrained chauvinism where the notion of working with a woman as an equal at a work place is an alien thought. It’s time we stop assuming they have it easier.

15. If you sleep with everyone…

Finally, there’s the slut-shaming that goes on whenever a woman chooses her sexual destiny. So let's make it clear. Who a woman chooses to sleep with is completely her business. She owes you no explanation for her choices, and if she doesn't sleep with you, that's completely her call.