Orthorexia- an obsession with only eating healthy or pure/clean foods.
WARNING: May contain nuts.
Its never fun being the only picky eater at the table, I should know, I'm vegetarian. Years of withering looks and turned-up noses during meals have driven me to expand my gastronomic horizons a wee bit, but I'd pick my veggies over a succulent joint, over anything that previously had a tail any day.
Go ahead, judge me while you spear your dinner with hedonistic delight. I'm used to it. Vegetarians are always a little apologetic about what they order. My first time (ordering, that is) was at a drive-thru. There was a big kerfuffle -- my brother thought I ought to forfeit the toys in my Happy Meal to him because I ordered a Big Mac without the Big! I didn't deserve to be rewarded for hustling a glorified cheese sandwich.
Many dead arms and years later, in boarding school, being vegetarian meant patiently picking the non-veggie bits out of the gelatinous gloop that was served up; or taking that walk of shame to collect your "special meal".
Suffice it to say, I didn't emerge from these experiences undamaged. Au contraire, I have a sizeable chip on my shoulder to show for it.
And so it comes to pass that I sit horrified, and a little smug, when at tea with a girlfriend. Last week, she chooses a flourless brownie and offers me a bite. I decline it, obviously. I'm vegetarian, not certifiable! She vouched for its 'divineness', but I remain a nonbeliever.
Calling all gastronomes, while you were snouting out truffles and watching tannin drizzle down the sides of your wine glasses, a mutiny raged and the Orthorexics have wrested control of the vessel. Cease your epicurean vagrancy and all hands on deck.
Look I get mock meat and decaffeinated coffee, but is milk without dairy, still milk? INCONCIEVEABLE!
Is it just me or does anyone else feel the name-taste ratio is inversely proportional? How does something as exotic-sounding as Quinoa taste like sawdust? And don't even get me started on Acaí! Also, if it's that good for you, why does it taste so awful? If it tastes so awful how can people enjoy it? Right about now is when you get tired of my patronising tone and mockery -- welcome to my world friends, us vegetarians have been fending off comments like these since the invention of the Hibachi.
What is clean eating, you ask? Basically, it means eschewing processed, refined, sodium or sugar-loaded food. Having balanced meals and undertaking regular physical activity. Simple enough, but it doesn't end there. This clean food needs to also be ethically grown/sourced, fair traded, organic, free ranged and while we are at it, baptised. So you can cook your goose, but not before you ask it if it's up to making its way down your large intestine that day. Anyways, there is an increasing trend for all things healthy and clean, and the group of people who are deeply invested in this lifestyle are called Orthorexics.
In the name of research, I decided to make a trip to the local Whole Foods, it being their natural habitat. At first glance, it looked just like a regular supermarket, neatly stacked aisles, Bee Gees covers, turned up a tad too loud on the internal speaker system, fluorescent lighting painting shoppers an anemic blue, all par for the course.
It was going swimmingly till I was rear-ended by a particularly grouchy lady, who waved her fair trade cotton shopping bag at me in admonishment, nearly ploughing me down while she reached into the freezer to pull out packets of Spelt Sunflower cutlets! It gets worse, her next item of purchase was something called a Tofu Fillet Pizza- Pizza she finished off with a packet of sweeties that promised it had "no added nonsense".
My heart went out to these people. What kind of fat-free, fructose-free, joy-free lives were they leading? They would never know the creamy comfort of a glob of butter on their morning toast. The adrenaline rush from a gooey bar of chocolate devoured during break time. Or the satiated smile after downing a chilled Coke on a hot day. Sure they'd outlive us by a couple, but at what cost?
You know the old adage "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"? Well, what's the point of that medicine if you can't have a spoonful of sugar to help it go down…in the most delightful way?
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