Making molehills out of mountains

Dear Mr Sidhu,

For someone who was born with a silver glass of lassi in his mouth, long have we admired your gift of the gab and your ability to put your foot down with a firm hand when it comes to your beliefs!

I am referring sir to your recent formation of the Awaaz-e-Punjab, an act that once again demonstrates that when it's a matter of Punjab, Sidhu and Punjab are like the horse and carriage-without marriage. And as you so memorably declared yourself during your television broadcast of a one day India–Lanka match in 2002, 'It is better to ride a pony than a horse which throws you.'

Such is your words with way and your way with words Mr Sidhu, that not only is there a special page on Wikipedia dedicated to your unforgettable one liners, known as Sidhuisms, but you have legions of fans for your brilliant quips, such as: "If one day cricket was pajama cricket, then Twenty20 is underwear cricket."

So, because you have commanded the airspace these past few days, like a duck to water, I have decided to pen this letter to you as a form of imitation is flattery, and emulate the style with which you have always managed to catch the bull by its tail, and lived to tell it.

Which is to say that this missive will try and copy the unequivocal bombast, the virtuoso malapropisms and the painful attempts at wit with which you have regaled us with phrases as convoluted as, "This cricket is like a burger, you can have it once a week but for a whole meal, you need to return to Test cricket. More than once a week, and it will give you a tummy ache."

Told be truth Sidhuji, we were not aware of this motor mouth artistry of yours during your glory days as a cricketer on the playing field from 1983 until 1999.

To be honest, we were like the one-eyed king in the land of the blind, who had missed this revolution of your evolution until you burst upon the scene like a comet in shows like Comedy Nights with Kapil. That is where you impressed us as not the 'Strokeless Wonder but a Palm-Grove Hitter' of mixed metaphors and epic balderdash.

The extreme fatuity of the astonishing tripe that you were capable of uttering in the form of witticisms had us sitting up and taking notice and now you have proven that you are the best thing since makke de roti and a true 'Harry Puttar' of the Punjab. You are a national hero for cutting through the Gordian knot of the best laid plans of mice and men and a certain Mr Kejriwal.

May you leave no stone 'unkicked' in the land of milk and money as you separate the wheat from the chaff over the next five months. May the wind always be in your mouth, Mr Sidhu, and may you make molehills out of mountains and emerge top dog in the manger, next Punjab polls. Because Chief Ministership of one of India's most prominent states is the least reward for a man of such eminent wit, that when a TV humorist named Cyrus Sahukar attempted a parody in a show titled Piddhu the Great, spouting his own take on your legendary baloney called 'Piddhuisms', it was not half as funny as the original.

Here's looking at you Captain, as once again, you effortlessly prove how the lines between entertainment, politics, games and TRPs have completely vanished — or varnished, as you would surely have said in your un-mutable style.

For as we sow, so we weep or something like that, right Sidhuji? After all, ki farak penda?
Yours sincerely, etc.

(The columnist believes in the art of letter writing. Views expressed do not reflect that of the paper)