Hitting the spot

If Kalyana Malla were alive today, he'd probably want to catapult himself back to the 16th century. A venerated poet in the court of Ahmed Khan Lodi, Malla wrote the Ananga Ranga as a treatise for married couples to overcome sexual boredom. Imagination and experimentation, he wrote, are the glue for a happy marriage.

Cut to 2015, and consummation — leave alone sexual experimentation — is a steep hill to climb for many. "I've advised couples to go on leave just so they can have sex," says gynaecologist Dr Priyadarshini Joshi. "Sexual awareness, especially in cities, has increased over time. But so has the rate of unconsummated marriages. Partners just have no time for intimacy," she says. And, adds clinical sexologist Dr Hitesh Shah, there are instances of marriages being unconsummated for as long as 10 years.

Chronicling India's relationship with sex is a Herculean feat. This is, after all, the country that went from celebrating sex in prehistoric times to worshipping metaphorical chastity belts, and is now crawling its way back to sexual awareness. If sex be the food of life, India is a yo-yo dieter.

Our paradoxical approach to sex is also reflected in how many view sexology itself. Sexology is an interdisciplinary science of psychiatry, andrology, gynaecology and marriage counselling. Yet, it's mistaken for a vending machine that dispenses quick-fixes for erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, nothing more. The prevailing mentality is that female sexual dysfunction is limited to fertility. And when you think about it, there also aren't many female sexologists in India, leave alone female counterparts to the Prakash Kotharis and Mahinder Watsas.

"Female patients are rare because there's still a stigma and taboo in seeing a male doctor about 'female sex problems'. And although women are asserting themselves sexually, there's a lack of knowledge even in educated classes about things like clitoral stimulation and multiple orgasms," says psychiatrist-sexologist Dr Rohann Bokdawala. There's also little to no awareness about sex being much more than non-penile penetration.

But even though most of his patients are male, Bokdawala has insights about the urban Indian woman's attitude to sex. For one, she's becoming more open about gender-fluid fantasies and talking about it, at least in her own circles. "A woman who got aroused by watching same-sex videos became anxious because she thought she was 'turning into a lesbian'. I told her it's completely normal. Women are more curious and receptive to sexual fluidity than men are," he says. He also cites a few cases of teens and women in their 20s preferring to use sex toys rather than sleeping with men because they feel 'it's safer that way'.

More women are seeking consultation for partners who suffer from erectile dysfunction, says Dr Dilip Raja, a practicing urologist and andrologist for 30 years. But there are oxymora. Although sexual dissatisfaction is becoming a ground for divorce, not much is changing in terms of the sexual acts themselves. "There's poor communication between couples and they hardly become adventurous. Even oral sex is limited to younger couples. Anal sex is still far-fetched. Multiple attempts of intercourse in the same day is seen in a very small percentage of cases, and after a certain stage in a couple's life, sex remains merely an obligation," he says. Dr Priyadarshini Rao echoes this. Many older couples are not only averse to oral sex, but also to using pornography as a possible means to better their own sex lives. This, despite some mulling options like polyamory to bring the spark back in their marriages.

Older couples' reservations about pornography notwithstanding, India's watching more porn. But one of the reasons why many women don't resort to it to boost their sex life, as compared to their male partners, is because much of it — as high as 85 per cent of heterosexual porn, believes Dr Anuradha Bakshi, head of the Human Development Department at Nirmala Niketan College of Home Science — reinforces the notion that a woman is an object. This, despite there being options for 'female-friendly' porn (does that make regular porn 'male-friendly'?).

The sexual emancipation of young, urban India may be under way, but it can take flight only if the collective mindset changes not just in India, but the world. Dr Bakshi points to our lexicon as an example."Look at how female sexual organs are referred to. Labels for female sexual organs are derogatory swear words." Anyone who's a coward is a p***y, while anyone with guts has 'big balls'. Then there are pejorative terms like c**t. Bakshi also points to the much-talked about double standard of slut-shaming vs stud-worshipping as a spillover of patriarchy.

While true sexual equality will take long to materialise, the least we can do is nip misconceptions in the bud. Such as the 'old people can't have sex' belief. Gynaecologist Dr Sudha Marwah stresses that menopausal and post-menopausal women are capable of having good sex lives if issues like pain and dryness are rectified with lubricants and oestrogen creams. And older men can remain sexually active despite andropause — treated with the likes of Testosterone Replacement Therapy — and erectile dysfunction, for which oral tablets, penile injections and even penile implants can be prescribed, says Dr Raja.

Our government must also be proactive in advocating sex education in schools and doing away with the archaic Section 377, says Dr Rohann Bokdawala. More so considering there's little understanding and acceptance of the sex lives of LGBTs. "In fact, they're the most comfortable and forthright about their sexual desires and talking about sexual health and other issues. Far more than the 'straight' people," he points out.
Makes you think, doesn't it?

roshni.nair@dnaindia.net, @savagespacetaco