I repeatedly think of amputating my genitals: Sex addict

On a busy Monday afternoon at work, 32-year-old Harish had already masturbated thrice in office washrooms and was anxiously waiting to do it again. A graduate from a middle class family in the capital, Harish is among hundreds of professionals, who dream and work in swanky multinational companies in Noida and Gurgaon, to make it big in life.

While his office was closing for the day, 5.5 feet tall Harish, with a little protruded belly and prematurely balding forehead, managed to sneak into one of the dimly lit washrooms in the basement of the building, only to be disturbed by a mobile phone alarm — an alert for a meeting scheduled at 6:45pm in Vasant Kunj. Harish, who otherwise is on medication for obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), punctuated the routine, zipped up his pants and rushed to his motorcycle in the parking area for a ride to the venue.

“My name is Amit. I am a sex addict,” mumbled one of the persons sitting on a chair at the meeting, when Harish opened the aluminum door of the first floor venue in Vasant Kunj. Harish was attending a meeting of Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), about which he learnt while surfing the internet a few days ago. The SAA weekly meeting — held only for male sex addicts — is conducted by Randhir, a 52-year-old stout man with salt and pepper trimmed beard and long hair. He too was a sex, alcohol and drug addict for four decades and is on the path of recovery now. Randhir has attended SAA meetings and visited many rehabs abroad while striving to work for the rehabilitation of Indian addicts.

Harish, a newcomer in the group, was welcomed with hugs and warm handshakes. He was in the company of unknown friends, with whom he struck a chord immediately. They were people who live guilt-conscious dual lives like Harish. Accepting that they suffer from sex addiction, they sat on chairs in a circle sharing their sordid tales of how sexual desires, nurtured unknowingly over the years, have turned them into Frankenstein monsters, killing them from inside and outside. "I repeatedly think of committing suicide or amputating my genitals," says one of the addicts.

Harish narrates his story only after listening to most of the participants. His encounter with sexual experience dates back to early nineties, when he was in class 7, still discovering his sexual being. He lived in a joint family where one of his elder cousins forced him to give 'blow-jobs’ every day, when they were alone at home. “I used to give him hand job as well, and later started masturbating myself,” recounts Harish in voice as sunken as his eyes with dark circles. As the years passed, his cousin could no longer force Harish, but by then, he himself had started masturbating in excess — even nine times a day — watching porn and sometimes, if he had money, visiting brothels.

The obsessive sexual desires became stumbling blocks in his education, social life and career. Harish, who was otherwise a bright student, witnessed a steady fall in his grades and struggled to pass class 12. Later, his parents, who did not know about his condition, took him to a psychiatrist with whom he shared his agony. “He diagnosed me with OCD and gave medication for it, but unfortunately, I continue to do what I was doing ten years ago. I have lost my confidence,” says Harish, who is now scared of entering into a normal friendship or relationship. Away from friends and relatives, he somehow graduated and managed to get a job.

Harish’s story was no surprise to any of the participants in the meeting. “I never tuck my shirt in. As my penis is always erect and I feel ashamed and guilty,” says another addict, Ajit, 43, while tears roll down his face. Ajit’s 25 years of addiction to porn and masturbation hampers his normal sexual experience with his wife. “I don’t enjoy having sex with my wife. I like to fantasise and masturbate,” adds Ajit, who faces difficulty in talking to his two teenage children.

Sex addiction has not only torn apart personal and professional lives of addicts, but has made them vulnerable to all sorts of mental disorders and social exclusion. “We have launched a jihad against sex addiction. Being together helps us to stay away from the problem,” says Randhir, who stresses on the spiritual aspect of the group recovery.

Harish, now feeling confident in the group, asked a lot of questions to other addicts — personal and social. The meeting ended with a prayer, 'God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference’.

He leaves the room with a promise to come back next week as one of the group member assures him, 'Keep coming back, it works!'

(Some names have been changed on request)