Single women choose to be moms

With growing financial independence, single women in Mumbai are turning moms through adoption

Smita Patel and Riya are like any other mother-daughter duo. Every morning both get up at the same time, and while Smita gets ready for office, two-year-old Riya does a ‘catch me if you can’ act.

“Before Riya, I never even used to care about holidays. But now there is vitality in me and my work,” says a beaming Smita. The 40-year-old senior manager at a private company has always been single — having never married — and is a proud mom today. Riya is her adopted daughter.

The number of single women in Mumbai wanting to adopt a child has been steadily increasing over the past five years. “We receive around 50 inquiries a year from single women. Most of them are unmarried and in their late thirties. On an average, there are three-four successful adoptions every year by single parents,” says Sunil Arora, adoption coordinator, Bal Asha Trust.

Successful careers and greater economic independence is one side of the single mother story. The other, and less obvious, side is sociological, wherein the structures of the patriarchal society have crumbled, allowing for an acceptance of adoption.

“The single parent family has become an accepted norm in the society. Late marriages, rising divorce rates have also led these women to look at adoption. Earlier, adoption used to be the last resort. But now even couples who have biological children want to adopt,” says Arora.

In Mumbai alone, there have been 15-20 single women adoptions in the past three years.

“Most women demand a girl child as they feel they could have a better mother-daughter relationship. This trend has definitely helped in the promotion of girl child adoption,” says Vijay Salve, senior coordinator of adoption agency Children of World.

For Anjali Kumar, 37, it was an offhand suggestion from a friend, which led her to consider adoption and go for it. “Since marriage seemed unlikely, I chose to become a mother through adoption,” says the senior manager at a private shipping concern. Her constant pampering of three-month-old Arya has earned her the nickname of ‘mommy’ among colleagues.

The going, however, is not always easy for a single parent or the child. “Even though adoption is an ideal solution for single women, she should have absolute support from her family and friends. There must be no unsettled feelings within the family after the child is brought home. Often it causes severe trauma if the child is exposed to cavalier or resentful attitude from family members or friends,” says consultant psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria.

But adoption laws and procedures are stringent in India, where the prospective parent’s thoughts and behaviour is thoroughly examined.
“We have several intense sessions with family members and the mother where we present different hypothetical situation and ask them to respond. We also have a one year follow up after the adoption where we check how well the adopted child is adjusting to her new environment.

Till date we have never had any trouble when it comes to single women adoption. The child and mother both fill a necessary gap in each others lives and it’s a happy ending throughout,” says Nigama Mascarenhas, director, Family Service Centre.

Single women adopting children has had a ripple, and positive, effect for the previously rejected older children. “Single women prefer older children around 3-5 years of age. This is because unlike infants, older children do not require constant care.

This is very good as children older than one year have fewer chances of adoption,” says Madhuri Abhyankar, director of Pune-based SOFOSH (Society of Friends of the Sassoon Hospitals) But not all adoption agencies welcome single women adoption.

“I had a harrowing experience finding an adoption agency willing to welcome my request. Several agencies were rude and showed their bias saying that they would rather keep the kid in orphanage than give them to single women,” says Anjali.

Single moms also face other problems. Lecturer Shraddha Oza, 38, was outraged when a school refused to give admission to Shivani because she didn’t have a father’s name in her birth certificate. “I confronted the principal over the issue and he had to back down,” says Shraddha.

Despite the problems and hurdles, businesswoman Reshma Bhoir, 36, probably echoes the thoughts of all single moms. “I never had interest in getting married, but didn’t want to forego motherhood. When I see Miti (her adopted daughter) smiling at me, I know I made the right decision,” she says.