Seize bullies by the horns

The Netflix show 13 Reasons Why has raised quite a storm with many parents and teachers criticising the show for glorifying teenage suicide. But one cannot ignore how the show raises important questions about the effect of bullying on the mental health of teenagers.

Bullying comes in many forms in the complex power structure that exists in schools and colleges. There can be an outright physical threat that the class ‘nerds’ often face at the hands of the ‘jocks’ or instances of ragging that are common at the beginning of the academic year. Then there are cliques that the more popular kids form. These ‘mean teens’ often use ridicule as a tool to control others and maintain the exclusivity of the group. They engage in body shaming their fellow students, or teasing them because of their body language and perceived sexuality.

“I remember rude jibes, hushed insinuations about my so-called ‘effeminate’ movements and obscenities scribbled on blackboards in my college,” recalls equal rights activist Harrish Iyer who was at the time not only coping with the trauma of surviving child sexual abuse, but also discovering his sexuality. “I attempted suicide twice before I turned 18,” he says. “I felt so worthless. Nobody understood me. I hated my body, the way I looked. I just wanted it all to stop,” he explains.

Consulting Psychologist Deepak Kashyap says, “The urge to end one’s life stems from our belief system surrounding matters like life and death. Often we think death will end the pain, but it is just the end of one’s life. The pain doesn’t stop. You are just not alive to experience it.” Kashyap advises parents, teachers and school counsellors to keep their eyes peeled for telltale signs like reduced food intake and sleep, unnatural quietness, sadness, anger and anxiety among teenagers. This can be difficult to spot given the mood swings that teenagers experience due to the hormonal changes their body goes through during puberty. “Not all suicidal people are depressed and not all depressed people commit suicide. But if the sadness lingers or if the anger does not dissipate, your teenager could be hurting and you need to step in with patience, compassion and support,” says Kashyap.

These days a lot of teenage bullying takes place on digital platforms like WhatsApp groups and the comments section of social media pages. In fact, many LGBT youth are especially vulnerable to cyber bullying, even in more liberal western countries.

It is therefore important for parents to create an environment free of judgment and cultural baggage where the child can share even their most personal thoughts with them knowing that their parents will love and accept them, no matter what.

“Very often people either dismiss their child’s cry for help as attention seeking behaviour. Many parents ridicule or even dare the child thinking this would effectively shut them down and stop the downward spiral. But this is dangerous as you end up alienating the child,” warns Iyer. Even in 13 Reasons Why, most of Hannah Baker’s classmates who bullied her dismiss her suicide as the cowardly act of an attention seeking drama queen. But we must realise that blaming the victim or tarnishing their image posthumously is a terrible idea. Not only does it not absolve you of your failure to spot the signs and help the victim, it also sends the wrong message to others contemplating suicide. Now they will start feeling even more worthless, helpless and hopeless. They will start feeling that they are better off dead.

“Emotional education is important. This includes teaching teenagers to become more aware of their own feelings and learning to regulate their emotions. They should also understand the impact of their words and behaviour towards others,” Kashyap offers as a possible solution. Teens also need to find at least one trustworthy adult to confide into. This can be a parent, a grandparent, a friend’s parent, a teacher, the school counsellor or an older sibling or cousin.

Uncomfortably common in India, it is about time we addressed the facts and underlying reasons.