Doing the swing thing

KARACHI: In a country where adultery is punishable by death, it’s unnerving how the swing  thing inevitably follows the ring thing. Give it seven years, say most men, before the itch sets in. Whether it’s for the kind of sex that you can’t have with your wife or just a change of flavour, the fact is that 90 per cent of men cheat on their wives. Because you never marry your soul mate but the “politically correct” partner. Because love is diluted with children. Because the romantic moments become an afterthought rather than an impulse, and are too few and far. 

If Machiavelli forgot to mention the casting couch, it doesn't mean that it ain’t a universal concept. Lollywood is full of all-body no-brain women who sleep their way to the stardom...to what end though? We all love Nirma’s perky tits, it’s just the words coming out her mouth that embarrass us. At least Shilpa Shetty gets the benefit of becoming a national icon. Such is the fate of the UMT (urdu medium types) and whether you are a pouty boy like Abdullah or a women with beautiful “aass” (eyes) like Meera, learning to bend over is a lot easier than learning English.

And let’s not forget Gia Ali: that woman proves that having lots of sex makes you a great dancer. Her moves on the dancefloor, however, are not as notorious as her horizontal polka, which took her from sweeping the floor at Depilex to sweeping the charts and the hearts of taxi drivers in Sajjad Gul’s Diwane Tere Pyar Ke. Whether it’s dressing like a slut or sleeping with your boss’s husband, Gia Ali staunchly believes, “It all depends on the angle.” Of what, the dangle? Well, while money does not buy happiness, it does allow you to look for it in better neighbourhoods.

“When it comes to sex,” says one of my few monogamous media friends, “the grass is always greener on the other side. You live with the paranoia that someone else is always having better, louder,  more sex than you are.”

So is the other side of the bridge any better? In burger-land, it’s all sex, drugs and botox. Any party you go to and the 20-something’s getting it on in the bathroom are likely to be married, but not necessarily to each other. Just like dropping “e” is now a Friday night no-brainer, open relationships are fast becoming the norm in our Islamic Republic, as young people are looking for companionship from their partners, but not constance. “My wife is like the cigarette I smoke everyday,” admits a young advertising exec. “I love it, I’ll have it all day and even miss it when I don't get it, but it hardly compares to the thrill of that one sniff of coke in the evening.”

Ever wonder why the overweight model still gets the big one for strutting her ugly lumps on the ramp? Chances are, she’s the notorious hostess of one of Karachi’s infamous key club parties: just slip your keys in the kitty and kiss your best friend’s wife goodnight. But these clubs work best for the generation that grew up under Zia’s Islamist regime: their in-built guilt mechanism requires the secrecy and anonymity that these swingers’ nights afford them.

For better or worse, the younger generation, the loved-up generation, don’t really care who knows. Let the booze flow freely, and even the sexy music producer whose wife is a hot model starts eyeing the girls as well as the boys who look like girls.   

Which brings me to the plight of unfortunate women who marry men who like men. Some are pregnant and need to save face, and some don’t have any better options. But even when the marriage lasts as long as Uncle Shakeel’s, it’s the woman who’s left with the desperate end of the deal. I’d hate to be tucking my children in bed while my husband is on the other end of the country, making Ali Zafar a star. Well, the younger generation has learned the art of compromise: now Mommy and Daddy and Daddy’s “friend” Farooq Mannan all tuck the children into bed together.