Living apart, staying together

A long-distance relationship need not stumble on the proximity hurdle. As the world gets smaller, many couples are learning to deal with time apart
 
“And ever has it been that love knows not its
own depth until the hour of separation”
–Kahlil Gibran
 
Absence, it is said, makes the heart grow fonder. But then, there’s another school of thought that firmly believes in the ‘out of sight, out of mind’ philosophy.

For most couples divided by sea and land, the two aphorisms converge somewhere in between; their relationship is one that is fuelled by fond memories, telephone calls, and the Internet. The time between hellos and goodbyes is bittersweet, and most, slowly learn to come to terms with the long gaps that lie heavily on the relationship.

Long-distance marriages are not a new phenomenon in India, with a growing number of couples living separate lives because of work commitments, the need to pursue higher education in another country, and so on.

For Sneha Chauham, an HR manager in Mumbai, the army has been the other woman in her seven-year marriage. Her husband, who’s a member of the Indian armed forces, makes it a point to visit home whenever possible, but it’s hard for both of them, and their three-year-old son.

“When we meet, we go on short trips, or simply spend time with each other doing ordinary things like going out for a movie,” says Sneha. They do things that most couples take for granted. She quickly adds: “Ours is a love marriage, and I mentally prepared myself for this.” But distance, she says, does not take away from the basic fact that no matter what, they are always there for each other.

In such relationships, quality takes precedence over the quantity of time spent together. Mamta Kholia and her husband, Suresh, are pros at the long-distance relationship dance. As a chief officer with the merchant navy, Suresh’s life is divided between life in Mumbai and life on the high seas.

Her rationale is simple: “It’s not like couples living together spend more time with each other. Many professions demand long working hours, and husbands and wives rarely spend time together.” So, while her husband may be at sea for six to seven months at a stretch, he gets to spend the rest of the year — four to five months — with his wife. “I am used to this situation, as my father also served in the merchant navy,” says Mamta.

While compromise, trust and the pressure to stay on the straight-and-narrow, figure strongly in long-distance marriages, the other side of the coin is that romance and passion don’t fade away in a hurry. 

With Prateeti Barman Bormudoi, separation was inevitable. Her husband currently works as a research associate in Bangkok, and is now looking to enroll in a university to pursue his PhD. Prateeti, however, continues to work in Mumbai. “As my husband has not settled down yet, I don’t want to take a risk with my career. One of us needs to have a steady income,” she says, but the three-year marriage has yet to feel the strain. The knowledge that theirs is a temporary situation also helps ease the loneliness.

But Prateeti says that she has to deal with constant pressure from family to join her husband. “After we got married, I stayed with him for a year-and-a-half in Bangkok. Now, he comes down occasionally, or I visit him in Bangkok,” she says.

The key is to constantly keep in touch, and this is where the Internet comes into play. With video chats and e-mail, the distance doesn’t seem too large. Some couples opt for personal touches like a hand-written letter. “Constant communication helps. But, yes, there are misunderstandings at times, because we are not physically together, but we really miss each other,” says Prateeti.

With the Sharmas, who have been married for 28 years, choosing to live separately was a conscious decision, one that was made for the “sake of the children”. Alpana resided with her son when he studied engineering in Manipal, for two years. She then spent four years with her daughter, who was studying in New Delhi.

“That makes it six years of separation, and we were in a long-distance relationship, up until last year,” says Alpana. But as their marriage had more than 20 years of history, they were spared the pain that most newly married and newly separated couples have to struggle with. “In fact, I feel that our relationship has become stronger now,” she says with a smile.

Staying away from each other may not be a decision that people happily, or willingly, undertake, but once they find themselves in such a situation, most people slowly come to terms with it.

Being the odd one out at parties, lonely nights (and days) and the absence of another presence in the apartment become easier to deal with in the knowledge that they will be together again. And then, it’s like a second, or third, or fourteenth honeymoon.
a_vishakha@dnaindia.net