Living in a sibling's shadow

Growing up with a differently—more talented sibling—can be tough

Living with a famous surname—- and trying to live up to it—is a ‘cross’ that many progenies of high achievers live with. Another pressure that a kid could face is the fact that he/she is living with a brother/sister who has been there and done it all….. Or the younger one is following in his/her footsteps, but in a more grand fashion that willy-nilly throws the elder one into shadow.  

Having sat through several PTA meetings where teachers opined how un-alike my two kids are, it was easy to empathise with the issue. It was only when one graduated and the other met up with a group of teachers who were completely new, that the burden of expectations went down. 

Speaking to Ashwini M, a junior school teacher in Central Mumbai, brought about the revelation that more than teachers it is parents who may subconsciously or unconsciously indulge in comparison. “As teachers,” she states, “We may not be aware that an older child has studied in the school. At most, we might mention it to the parents in passing as a one-off remark, otherwise this issue does not weigh with us. We rarely—if at all— bring it up with the child at all.” 

Rashmi Ghosh (name changed) recalls how her son rebelled against all that her elder sister stood for. “She hated being told by family members that she was not like Didi,” says Rashmi. “The situation was getting completely out of hand and we approached her teachers and the school counsellor for help. On their suggestion—and with a lot of support from my husband—we managed to steer her to a normal routine. We channelised her activities into things like swimming and cycling that she was interested in. Today, the two sisters are quite happy together.” 

Meher Marfatia, writer and author of children’s books, feels that the sibling rivalry is an issue that has to be handled with care, more by the parents. “Generally it is not all that difficult because the kids have different sets of interests,” she says. 

Interestingly she opines that though most parents may choose a common school for siblings for the sake of convenience, often the choice of  different schools—though practically difficult for the parents—proves to be beneficial in the long run. “If you have a boy and a girl, then this may prove to be a better choice,” she says.

“It makes the situation much easier as there is no yardstick by which to compare the two. They have different friends, different interests, so growing up is easier. The parents need to spend time alone with each kid. The child feels acknowledged for his/her area of excellence.”

Dr Jeevan D’Cunha, counselling psychologist who also advises at Jamnabhai Narsee School, feels, “Teenagers are looking for a sense of their identity. “Who am I?” is an important question especially for the younger sibling. Since they tend to think in black and white, they feel they have to be different, either in a positive or in a negative way.

Parents must help children recognise their uniqueness by a process of dialogue/ interaction. And even if parents are conscious that they don’t want to compare, it happens in educational institutions, with an intention to motivate the child. But remember, kids dislike comparisons!”
shraddha_js@dnaindia.ne