'If a partner feels embarrassed or shunned at a time when they are showing their feelings towards their spouse, chances are that he/she will fear making the move the next time around,' says Hemant Mittal, Psychologist.
So you had a fight with your husband and he doesn’t seem to realise his mistake. He even fails to notice the signs that you’ve desperately been giving out to make sure he knows that you are upset. But all that he does is try to cosy up to you that night. Chances are that you’ll probably use this opportunity to get even with him and tell him to go to take a walk, and in a huff, turn away from him. And it’s not just women — even men are known to deny their partners sex in an attempt to teach the other person ‘a lesson’. But does it work?
Seema Rao, 30, says that she’s used this trick in the early years of her six-year-long marriage. “But I was very juvenile back then and thought that if I’d withhold sex from my husband, he’d finally come to his senses and not go for a movie without me again — which is what the fight was all about to begin with,” says Rao.
Good sense finally prevailed on Rao when she noticed that her husband simply preferred to stay away from her on days he thought she was upset. “I didn’t want him to feel scared to approach me and that is what was happening. I felt bad,” says Rao.
Anand Vohra, 27, says that he uses the ‘no sex tool’ with his girl friend of five years only when he is extremely mad at her. “I obviously know that it is not the right thing to do, but I use it as the last resort. Revenge or not, I am the sort of person who cannot get romantic, let alone having sex, if I am in a foul mood,” says Vohra. But there is a catch.
“Initially I used to make it look like I’m avenging my girlfriend by denying her sex. But now I just tell her that I’m in a bad mood so she knows that sex is automatically off the table,” he adds.
Psychologists say that though it is natural for a person to be averse to having sex when they are upset but the key is in not embarrassing the partner while doing so. Says psychologist Hemant Mittal, “If a partner feels embarrassed or shunned at a time when they are showing their feelings towards their spouse, chances are that he/she will fear making the move the next time around. Obviously, this is not healthy in any relationship.”
“Whatever your problem, it helps to just speak and be vocal about it,” he suggests.
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