It’s complicated...

Philosophers and Hollywood A-listers have, for long, said that monogamy isn’t natural to humans. So even though it is ingrained in most of us, there are a growing number of individuals who aren’t trapped by the man-woman norm. Granted that a relationship might don the garb of heterosexuality, go beyond the clothes and you might just find that the partners fall under the expanding LGBTQ+ umbrella. This, however, doesn’t imply that they are in the closet or that these unconventional pairings don’t uphold love, trust, fidelity and security – values sanctimoniously tied to monogamy. 

These are everyday people, those who might be working in steel-and-glass office complexes and often grab a sandwich for lunch. From brand managers and political science students to video game designers and artists, but think of a straight man whose partner is bisexual, or two pansexuals (those open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women) in a committed relationship. Is that really possible? Won’t a straight person worry or get insecure about his/her bisexual partner straying or finding satisfaction elsewhere? How do they make it work? 

He loves her, she loves him and they happily date others
Partners: Straight man, Bisexual woman 
Status: Open relationship 

Shreya Das* and Sameer Goyal* have been in a relationship for five years. “We’re two consenting adults, madly in love with each other,” says the 30-year-old brand manager from Bangalore about 28-year-old Goyal who moved to the US last year. “We've even adopted cats together!”

But Shreya can’t do “monogamous relationships because I always end up cheating on my partner”. So he sees other women, she sees other men and women even as they remain committed to each other. “We decided that as we can’t control our hormones, it’s best we be who we are,” she shares. 

Goyal, she says, doesn’t judge her as her former partners have in an attempt to “own” her.  An ex once suggested she quit her job. He assumed that since she was in the office till the wee hours, she was “surely sleeping with everyone on the team”. And there was a girlfriend who wanted to continue dating Das after marrying a man. “While I understand the thrill of clandestine relationships, her suddenly wanting to hide us changed her into someone I couldn’t recognise and I ended it,” she says. “It’s weird because I'm a feminist and queer.”

With Goyal though, she feels liberated. “Men and women can’t keep up with my mood swings, which stem from my borderline personality disorder,” she reveals. “Sameer is my best friend. He is patient and we make a good team, where I’m an equal – something I've never felt in earlier relationships.”

He wants to walk down the aisle... she doesn’t
Partners: Straight man, Bisexual woman
Status: Dating

“I don’t want people to think you’re a slut,” utters Simone Gala* as the words of an ex-boyfriend who didn’t want her to speak about her sexuality to his friends. None of Gala’s ex-boyfriends accepted her as a bisexual. “When I’ve told men I’m bisexual, the usual response is  ‘Oooo, nice!’, suggestive of “can I watch when you get it with other women?’,” says the 23-year-old aspiring politician. “But Ronald just shrugged and said ‘Okay.’ It was the best reaction I could hope for.”

Gala hit it off with Ronald Vaz*, a 25-year-old writer, the day they were introduced by a mutual friend and bonded over the many things they have in common: animals, psychology, writing and heavy metal. The Mumbai-based duo sustained a long-distance relationship between Mumbai and Pune, barely managing to meet a couple of times in three months. “I got sexually frustrated. I needed my freedom and Ronald couldn’t deal with it,” says Gala. 

The two are currently grappling with contentious issues – fidelity and trust. “Ronald is fine with me going out with women but not with men. He feels jealous when I tell him I’m attracted to another guy,” says Gala. “Parallel straight relationships are not acceptable, but non-straight ones are fine. This doesn’t make sense to me and we are trying to work around this.” 

The “trying to work around this” has meant that Gala isn’t dating or going out with either men or women for now. And Vaz is, perhaps, banking on this. “If she meets a person she likes or someone she’s had a past equation with, she tells me. I’m never caught off-guard,” he says. “Insecurities arise when you don't know things. Maybe insecurities haven’t arisen yet because she is not seeing other people... I’m not sure if I’m okay with her seeing other people and I appreciate this adjustment she’s making.”

Communication, the couple admit, is what has kept the relationship going. Gala agrees that her absolute honesty ensures he can trust her. “But given the nature of things I am honest about can itself breed mistrust,” she feels.

“He never walks away though – no matter how bad things get. I'm bipolar, and when I tell him I’m a terrible girlfriend, he simple says that he understands that this must be difficult for me.”

Vaz is sure he has found his match. “She’s perfect. No one has invested so much time and effort in me. I trust her more than I trust most people, and I intend to marry her.” Gala could happily say ‘I do’, but she fears that she isn’t cut out for monogamy. “I'm trying not to think about it right now.” 

Embracing all shades of grey
Partners: Pansexual woman, Pansexual man 
Status: Engaged

Niranjan Sathyamurthy asked out Lavanya Narayan a week after meeting at a friend’s party. Before the date, she texted him that she’s pansexual. To her surprise, when they met, he came out to her as pansexual as well. “I’ve never came out to other partners because I never saw a future with them,” says the 26-year-old. “But I was sort of sure Lavanya’s the one when I met her.”

Being vocal about LGBTQ+ issues, Narayan has featured on a list of 21 queer people on their ‘coming out’ moments and Shubham Mehrotra’s 50 Shades of Gay. Sathyamurthy’s mother came across one such write-up and while explaining to his parents about Narayan, he ended up coming out to them. “Both our parents just slipped it (our sexualities) under the rug because from a superficial point-of-view, Lavanya’s a female and I’m a male.”

Between the two Chennai-based freelance writers, the concept of dating other people was still on the table when they began dating. But assuming jealousy would raise its ugly head, they felt monogamy was conducive.

“Though that door is still open if the need arises”, says Sathyamurthy who is engaged to Narayan.

“I’ve always been monogamous, but Lavanya has an interest in polyamory and she only needs to tell me if she wants to see others. It would hurt, but fidelity means full disclosure. People hide things, but not informing me about an affair... that’d be a breach of trust.”

Attracted to women, yet committed to husband
Partners: Bisexual woman, Straight man 
Status: Married for two years 

It was arranged. After meeting for the third time, Simran Joshi* and Raj Krishnan* decided to marry one another.  Three months later, the couple were formally engaged. That’s when she casually let it pass that she’s bisexual. “I told Raj that had I found a girl who I’d connected with, I might’ve settled down with her,” she says. The revelation, says Krishnan, didn't lead to second thoughts. “I even forgot about it (her coming out to him).” 

Although the 31-year-old, who runs a family business, finds bisexuality “unnatural”, he’s okay if his wife were to see a woman. “I can understand that a woman can give her something more than I can. But there shouldn’t be another man. She must be satisfied with me...”

On her part, Joshi says that Krishnan’s lack of exposure to the LGBTQ+ community means it could take him time to understand her. “I've had bi and gay friends since art college. They helped me understand my sexuality, He hasn’t (yet explored his sexuality). So I don’t expect him to understand what I felt (being with other women),” says the 26-year-old interior designer. She intuites that Krishnan is afraid of being cheated on by her. “I do come across attractive women at parties, but I enjoy being committed to him. If I wanted ‘options’, I wouldn't have married,” she says. 

But the couple chooses not to dwell on this issue, and instead accept each other. So Krishnan is grateful that his wife is not “girly” and doesn’t feel the need to shop at the drop of a hat or constantly be in the know of things. “Simran is a lot like a guy. She’s my first 'friend-woman',” he says. 

And Joshi gushes that Krishnan is her best friend, roommate and partner in crime. “We balance each other – he’s in touch with his feminine side. For instance, he likes it when I apply transparent nail polish on his nails. I find so much comfort in this relationship.”

(*Names have been changed to protect identities)

Reeking of patriarchy 

Equal rights activist Harish Iyer feels non-heterosexual relationships require both partners to have a greater level of understanding for each other. But he voices his angst about “accepting men” – those in a relationship with queer partners. “Most men have fantasies about two women and, perhaps, some would not mind their wives having a relationship with another woman,” says Iyer. “But their wives enjoying with another man may not be acceptable to them. Their ego, their patriarchal mindset and their possessiveness takes over. That’s not acceptance, that’s voyeurism.” Iyer adds that men who are civil about bisexuality are an endangered lot.