Mr Moms

Mumbai’s single dads are not just balancing their careers and homes, they are turning out to be good moms too. Swati Chopra reports

Ananthanarayan does everything a caring mother would do — change nappies, bathe the screaming and kicking child, cook breakfast and sing lullabies as softly as a manly voice would permit. The 42-year-old teacher is one of the many in the growing tribe of single fathers in Mumbai, a city that keeps everyone so busy that some don’t even get the time to marry and start a family. 

“I was too busy making my career,” says Ananthanarayan in a matter-of-fact manner. “I did not meet someone I wanted to marry.”

But that did not deter him from experiencing the joys of fatherhood, so he decided to take the route of adoption. “In 2004, I adopted my infant son Pratyaksh,” he recalls. “Being a teacher, I have always shared a special bond with children. Today, my three-year-old son is my life.”

It wasn’t, however, smooth sailing for Ananthanarayan all the way and he had to ride through choppy waters. A single dad was literally unheard of and several adoption agencies shut the door on him, till Bharatiya Samaj Seva Kendra (BKSS), a Pune-based foster child care home, decided to ‘consider’ his case..

“After countless rounds of interviews, I was deemed to have the right attributes of a good father,” says Ananthanarayan. “But to tell you the truth, that was just the battle won. The war was still to be fought.” Ananthanarayan’s war is something every single father faces and dreads — to measure up to mommy dearest.

“ ‘Bringing up a child is not a man’s job’ is a thought that is engraved into every man. It’s almost genetic,” he says. “The first step to being a single father is to purge your mind, forget all that you have been taught as a man. One should have a mind free of any gender bias.”

The emotional quotient in nurturing a child is very high and men, more so the Indian variety, have always been taught to hold back their tears and smiles. “A child’s emotional growth is very important,” says Ananthanarayan. “Raising Pratyaksh has helped me evaluate the emotional quotient in my relationships. Now Pratyaksh is my life, and I cherish every moment with him.”

Rajan Miglani, 54, arguably, had it tougher. His wife died 19 years ago leaving Ashim, on the threshold of adolescence, in his care. “My son was 10 years old then,” recalls Miglani. ”Within a month of my wife’s death, I learnt one important lesson — a woman is stronger than a man. I just did not have the skills to handle my son. It was as if I didn’t know who Ashim was.”

Miglani now understands what working mothers go through every single day. Ashim, who is now 24, dotes on his father and says, “My dad is playing a great role of a mother and a father. He has taught me to follow the right path and take things in my stride. Whatever I am, I owe it to him.”

Asha Avadhane, programme director, BKSS, says enquiries for adoption from single men have been increasing. “A couple of years ago, an enquiry was considered odd. Today, on an average, I get at least 10-12 calls every month from men who want to adopt a kid and experience fatherhood,” she says. 

The Society of Friends of Sassoon Hospital (SOFOSH), which started a foster care programme 25 years ago, has also seen a rise in enquiries from men who want to be single fathers. Madhuri Abhyankar, director (social services), SOFOSH, says, “We have seen a 30-35 per cent increase in men wanting to be single fathers,” she says.

Sociologists and psychologists say the emergence of the single father is a reflection of the manner in which the city’s culture has changed over the decade. “Women are becoming more independent and financially secure,” says sociologist Nandini Sardesai. “If one looks at it from the prism of simple power dynamics, the gender gap is reducing. It was only a matter of time. The single mother is one side of the coin; the single father is the other.”

Fate made Naresh Seth a single father, and now he remains so as a matter of choice. His wife of 15 years passed away two-and-a-half years ago. “I wish Neeta was still around to shoulder the responsibility of raising Karan, 16, and Karishma 21. I don’t know whether I am doing a good job,” Seth says, betraying the fear in the minds of several single fathers.

But the ultimate test for single fathers seems to be in bringing up a daughter. 

“A girl needs her mother more than a father.  Her needs, especially during and after puberty, are different. These issues are not just physical but emotional and psychological,” says psychologist Varkha Chulani.

Manisha Bhatnagar was only 13 when her parents divorced. After a lengthy court battle, Manisha was allowed to live with her father. She is now 26 and happy with the way her father has managed to bring her up. “But I do miss my mother at times because there are few things you can only share with her,” she says.

”My father, however, has done a great job and I am very comfortable with him.” That sounds like the sweetest music to her indulgent father’s ears. It’s also a candid acknowledgement of her father’s sensitivity to her psychological and emotional needs.

Without her mom, Manisha’s is an incomplete family; but thanks to her dad, it is a happy family.