Review: Tees Maar Khan is not worth even a free ticket

Film: Tees Maar Khan (U/A)
Director: Farah Khan
Cast: Akshay Kumar, Katrina Kaif, Akshaye Khanna, and others
Rating: *½

Farah Khan’s idea of a ‘holiday’ film — put together a world-infamous con artist, a Bollywood starlet, an Oscar aspirant, a bunch of naïve villagers, and befuddled policemen, then weave an absurd story connecting all of them. That is how you have this catastrophe called Tees Maar Khan.

Tabriz Khan urf Tees Maar Khan (Kumar) is an internationally wanted con artist infamous for his "half-Robin Hood" act. He is arrested in Paris and put on a flight back home with two CBI officers to watch over him. But he manages to give the officers the slip and flees home to his C-grade film-actress lover Anya (Kaif) and melodramatic mother.

When, however, he is tempted by the prospect of committing another money-making offence — robbing a train loaded with tons of antiques, no less — Khan takes up the task and hatches an awfully ridiculous plot to accomplish it and get away. Khan disguises himself as a film director and dupes Bollywood superstar Atish Kapoor (Khanna), who is dreaming of an Oscar, with a lead role in a ‘period film’ called Bharat Ka Khazana (supposedly based on the Kakori conspiracy case of the pre-Independence era).

Khan also tricks the innocent villagers of Dhuliya into becoming a part of the ‘krantikaari’ film and looting the train so as to make the police believe that the robbery was merely being staged for the film.

In the course of the shoot, however, our international chor suddenly becomes a big-hearted local khiladi when he unknowingly busts a gang of smugglers and saves the children of the village from a child-labour racket while running away from a ‘faceless ghost’ (didn't we graduate and leave such things behind long ago?)!

Just as the train robbery is accomplished and Khan prepares to decamp with the loot, the police catch up with him. An annoying courtroom drama follows and Khan is sentenced to 60 years in prison.

Undeterred, Khan instructs his minions to complete the shooting of Bharat Ka Khazana. When the film is ready for release, Khan is allowed a day’s break from jail to attend the premiere. And — you guessed it! — he escapes from right under the police commissioner’s nose, finally resulting in a change in his retrograde signature line about the impossibility of saving a prostitute's honour and imprisoning TMK.

After the inevitable happy ending, in trademark Farah Khan fashion, the film's cast and crew are introduced as recipients of awards. (Well, well, I think the audiences should grant them that indulgence, because those are probably the only awards they will get!)

Tees Maar Khan is a classic example of a cluttered film in which a hodgepodge of characters incoherently jabbers ludicrous dialogues building up an odd plot that just refuses to make any sense at any point of time.

Just because you try mocking the stereotypical Bollywood touches and incorporate a couple of funny-looking characters, it does not guarantee that the audience will be in splits.

The dialogues by Shirish and Ashmith Kunder are so devoid of mirth that the infantile attempts at humour crash without evoking so much as a giggle from the viewer. Not even a child would find this exchange amusing — "Boss, dhoop aa raha hai.... Accha? Jao suraj ko bolo thoda baju me hatneko!"

The so-called superstar jodi of Hindi cinema — Kumar and Kaif — has hardly any moments together, and individually both deliver pathetic performances. Throughout the film, Akshay Kumar only cracks his ‘tawaif ki lut-ti izzat’ one-liners while Kaif only squeals her lungs out with ‘nahiiiiiii’ and ‘bachaaaooooo’ while Khanna yells 'Ossscaarrrr' through gnashed teeth.

Kaif’s drama queen act is performed so poorly that it would be safe to conclude that she would not have been missed in the film but for the sizzling item number ‘Sheila ki jawani’, her saviour. Brisk and bouncy, she does full justice to the delightfully choreographed Sunidhi Chouhan song.

The momentary pleasure of the song is, however, ruined by the dismal screenplay and miserable direction. Besides, the film plays around gratuitously with the subject of homosexuality. Dhuliya has three sissies dressed in pink (how clichéd!) swooning over the menfolk. Even the CBI officers who were escorting Khan are portrayed as homosexuals.

Tees Maar Khan is not the kind of film you would want to fret over this new year’s eve, unless you like to watch colourfully dressed Bollywood stars on the silver screen irrespective of their acting skills and the film’s content.