Dr Hasmukh Adhia: Tackling lack of self-esteem

One of the major causes for sadness in life is lack of self-esteem. Self-esteem means trust in one's own capability, while lack of self-esteem means a feeling of 'I am not OK', 'I am inadequate', 'I am not beautiful', etc. Lack of self-esteem is a negative psychological belief, which may not be borne out by facts. You may think you are ugly but others may think you are beautiful. The strange fact is that in spite of having everything in life, most people suffer from this syndrome. A person with this syndrome will find it difficult to achieve his or her goal in life. Self-diffidence will not allow them to get their maximum potential realised, even if they are physically and intellectually sound. This may make such a person an angry, frustrated being, never content with what he is doing. Lack of self-esteem makes us dependent on others. We dance to the tune of others around us since we do not wish to lose their approval. This can lead to emotional exploitation too. Also we crave for more objects or position or social circle in order to gloss over the feeling of inadequacy within. Excessive shopping or eating could be manifestations of this malady.

Major cause of lack of self-esteem is childhood conditioning. In a fiercely competitive world, we get so many negative suggestions in our childhood which causes a feeling of rejection. When such a thing happens many times over, it can become a mental conditioning that 'I am not good'. It is therefore important for parents to provide encouragement by which a child learns to respect his or her own ability to do things. Every child is born with a special gift from God. Let us allow that potential to bloom in a child. Let us make our children collaborative rather than competitive. Competition means only one can win. Collaboration means all can win in different areas.

What do we do if as an adult we lack self-esteem?  One can start tackling this by small confidence-building measures. Make a commitment to do any one thing everyday which you have never tried before and try to fulfil that commitment. For instance a girl who thinks she is a terrible cook can commit to make one simple dish a day and treat people at home. Once people appreciate it, she will be encouraged to try more complicated cuisines. Most housewives think they are 'good for nothing' and so prefer to play second fiddle to their husbands. They can try to learn simple skills such as riding a bicycle or a moped, learn spoken English or computers or any performing art. Gradually their confidence is restored and they may find their potential in one of these spheres.

We need to see if our own opinion about ourselves is borne out by facts or not. If you think you are not successful, you need to look around and see that you are probably among the most successful ones in the world. As one great soul has said 'I had a lot of inferiority about my shoes not being good, until such time when I met a person who had no feet.' Scriptures say that being born as a human is a rare fortune in itself. God has given us intellect, the discriminating ability, to see our real nature. Our real essence is not the body but atma - which is sat (always existing), chit (knower of everything) and ananda (pure bliss). Why do we then need to feel inferior? A person who has purity of mind and correct spiritual knowledge can easily be freed from all complexes including lack of self-esteem.

— The author is an IAS officer of Gujarat cadre