Growing up in a straight world

I was four years old when I had my first crush. She was about 12 or 13 and lived next door. I wanted to grow up and marry her! Instinctively, I knew I couldn’t share my thoughts for the fear of getting beaten up! And there began my lesson in keeping secrets.

When I was six, she moved away with her folks to the suburbs, leaving me heartbroken. I’d stand outside her house, holding the lock of the door in my hands crying silently... asking God to send her back.    

Life went on... (P.S. I still think I deserve a prize of experiencing heartbreak at the tender age of six). What followed for the next decades was a series of crushes on the same sex. I’d imagine myself in the hero’s shoes prancing around trees with pretty actresses in Bollywood movies.  

My lesbianism was not a result of my lack of exposure to the opposite sex, far from it. I grew up playing cricket, marbles, riding bicycles, flying kites. The fact is, I was wired differently, electrically charged towards the same sex. Never did I feel any attraction towards boys —emotional or physical.  

I learnt of the word ‘lesbian’ when I was 16 (call me a late bloomer but hey, my awakening began at age four, so technically I’m not a late bloomer). Friends, classmates would discuss their crushes on guys, when it was my turn, I’d have nothing to say. And my friends would be like, “Come on! Don’t lie! Don’t you like even a single guy?” Just two of my friends knew that I was madly in love with one of our female professors. That I guess was my first coming out. But they thought it was a phase that I’d eventually grow out of.

I had one major problem — I didn’t know a single lesbian with whom I could identify. Nor did I come across any movies or literature that covered the topic. Was I confused? Yes. But not confused whether I liked girls or boys or both. There was no shadow of a doubt that I was emotionally and physically attracted to women and not attracted to men at all. My confusion was —How do I know if I’m a ‘real’ lesbian? I’ve never met one before! Meanwhile, my friends kept telling me that I just needed to meet the ‘right’ guy and secretly hoped that my so-called ‘lesbianism’ would disappear in a swish of a heterosexual dating.

Finally, I met a lesbian for the first time when I was 25, and gradually began meeting fellow lesbians. Now, almost all my friends know I’m so gay! Yay!

(The writer is a Mumbai-based 31-year-old media professional)

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