Monthiversary, writes Shweta Bachchan Nanda

Monthiversary- Similar to anniversary, but occuring every month. For people who are overzealous about a new relationship.

Ever wonder why men unfailingly bungle up birthdays and anniversaries? Some poor sod is always getting the rough end of the stick for showing up home after a hard days work without flowers for Valentines day, baubles for the anniversary or neglecting to make reservations for two on account of the Mrs.'s birthday at some fancy restaurant that he knows he's going to leave feeling lighter in the pocket and lets face it, as hungry as when he walked in. Well, I do- they're just not pretty! At least for those of us pushing 40. Anniversaries are for the young, its adorable to look forward to your double digits with candy cane, sticky handed idealism. Your teens with the entitlement brought on by a raging hormonal maelstrom and stride toward your twenties sure footed in youthful hubris. Ok, I'll throw in the 30's because well it's the new twenties and who can deny the twenty-somethings anything? But the forties should honestly be the last frontier. Have you ever attended someone's 45th anything and enjoyed it? Be honest. It's the crescendo of bad taste, reeking of desperation camouflaged by the bouquet of expensive wine and perfume. Avoidable.

People over 40 should not throw parties as a rule, they are for the young and beautiful owners of lithe bodies and rhythm. Think about it, a twenty year old off his/her face punch drunk, finding its way around a dance floor is funny, watchable and the stuff of legend, a fifty year old in the same situation, not so much.

Now I've chaperoned my fair share of birthday parties, they're delightful, chaotic, and quite frankly charming in the "it's a rite of passage" way. The young get drunk very easily and cheaply, their energy lends to whatever little garret like space they choose to crank up the music and jump to and therefore their parties are guaranteed successes. Thirty years down the line that just doesn't hold true. Too much effort and money with uncertain gains; guests are crowded into grand ballrooms hemmed in by lavish banquets, bookended by gaudy ice sculptures that in melting turn more grotesque as the evening drags on. The music a patios of Hindi and English numbers revived to encourage and buoy the revelers, is always too loud, in a jarring uncool way. The women wear too much make up and hair that only serves to enhance their aging faces or highlight botched implants and are stuffed into expensive outfits much like sausages in a casing (rule of thumb ladies- either lace or sequence or feathers you can't wear it all together unless at a masquerade or vaudeville act) The men are well past their expiration date and stand about wilting, periodically revived by a sip of whatever malt burns their livers enough to elicit any sign of life. Usually discussing work or their golf handicap, way laying and chatting up the young hapless hostesses that have the unpleasant duty of showing around the tikka platter! There is an age limit for "it's my party and I'll do what I want to" its 12.

Incase this wasn't confusing enough the powers that be, obviously the very very young and therefore biologically pre disposed to boredom have upped the ante, so to speak. It is now not enough to commemorate life events on an annual basis, they have cloned the anniversary and now celebrate it on a roster. Ladies and gentleman please welcome the monthiversary. I can hear a collective groan from the wind section, the gentleman's gallery.

Now not only do you have to remember every birthday and anniversary you will be culpable of gross negligence and written off as no good if you do not remember the date of your first date, movie, text, kiss etc etc and mention it, with the appropriate blandishments on every social platform you are unlucky enough to be a part of. You must attach a befitting picture of you and your significant other, in what seems like a casual, but to the trained eye is most obviously constructed, cutesie cuddle. Said picture should be filtered to kingdom come so that your better, female half is shown to the best possible advantage whilst you look on adoringly, out of focus and sometimes hardly even making it entirely in the frame; then and only then will you warm the cockles of your partners heart and appear invested in the relationship.

Well, my time and word count is up, I am approaching my very own birth anniversary in a few days and am celebrating by going Where's Waldo on everyone cause IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT TO.