The power of questions and the pursuit of happiness

Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing. – Euripedes  

Recently, I came across a talk by John Cacioppo, who specialises in social neurosciences and researches social isolation or loneliness.

He asks, “If I told you, scientific research has demonstrated that opposites attract, would you not tell me that we do not need science, to tell us something we already know. If, I now said, scientific research shows that birds of a feather flock together, would it not be, we do not need a science to tell us something that we already know.” 

Is it not strange, that both these statements are apparently self-evident truths, but they both cannot be true, since they are inconsistent? That got me thinking. 

Our personal quest is always for answers and preferably self-evident answers, which mirror our current beliefs and preferences. Perhaps it is because we look good in the eyes of our peers when we have all the answers. We are revered when we have the answers. Leaders have the onus of knowing every answer.

Recently, I underwent a coaching for Applied Positive Psychology, which spanned 12 weeks, with one of the best instructors in the world. The methodology was rather interesting. It was based on searching for data, interpreting it and forming your own thought processes. I went looking for answers and more importantly, how to provide answers or make conditions for getting those answers and I came back from the course with something which changed my perspective to life. 

It is about the question. More than a question, it is about sincere inquiry. 

The role of the artist is to ask questions, not answer them – Anton Chekhov 

Many of my clients ask me, "how do I become happy?". My facilitator trained us with a very simple question, “What are you looking forward to, in the next couple of weeks or the next one month?”.

Persist with yourself to come up with an answer. Every human being has something to look forward to. Maybe you can find a lot to look forward to, which gives you meaning in life, which gives you just joy and pleasure. Even someone in the throes of a raging illness may have the prospect of getting better and going back to work. 

Maybe you can find only misery in the near future. Like a client of mine did. A board meeting was coming up and a board sponsored project was behind schedule and needed more resources. Obviously, the board meeting stressed my client out. So we went through the sessions. A month later, when I met the client again, I flipped the question around.

If you cannot find the answer, maybe it is time to change the question - Anonymous

“What gave you immense happiness in the last one month?”

Surprise, surprise. My client derived the most happiness and a sense of achievement from the board meeting. It had been very tough and many tough questions were asked but in the end, my client got the approval that he was looking for. It was one of the most satisfying victories, not only in terms of the approvals, but in terms of how the presentation was rehearsed, questions anticipated, answers prepared and how after much preparation, there were still some novel challenges that were thrown at the team. Therefore it was an accomplishment and a huge learning too. 

So how was it, that the same board meeting, which was a source of dissatisfaction, became a source of happiness, post the event? 

There were two other questions that I asked. First, when was the last time you had a really miserable board meeting. The answer was…never. 

Second, do you find yourself getting stressed before important meetings? The answer…always. 

Does this not happen often? Scientists have discovered that people have a tendency to overestimate how miserable they will feel when an event occurs.

You serve best, when you can question everything that you see around. So, from now on, I will always end my column, by asking you a sincere question and we would love to hear from you. 

“What challenge are you looking forward to in the next one month?” 

“What are you looking forward to in the next few weeks?”

Maybe you want to pay it forward. Ask someone a sincere question, “how is your day going?” and more importantly, wait for the answer. And then, shut up, and listen. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen to the emotions, the thought processes, listen to the fears, listen to the voices and the deeper layers of the communications. Pay attention to the tones. They are genuine and have a place. Sometimes, the question need not be answered. Sometimes, the answer is obvious and the person already knows it. All the person is looking for is a shoulder to talk through their feelings. 

Eminent authors and columnists continue to tell us that apparently, after a sense of humour, there is nothing a woman finds sexier than a man who listens. Now that might convince you! 

Do let us know how you felt when you asked a question and actually listened to the answer. Remember the question is in itself an art and a science. 

A prudent question is one half wisdom – Francis Bacon  

The author is the Founder of The Positivity Company. This is part of a series that describes how positivity has a multiplicative effect, simultaneously impacting all work and life outcomes.