‘It’s the best time ever to be a scamster in India’

India’s biggest success story in 2010 is undoubtedly the scam sector, which has grown at a mind-boggling 14,500%, with three months of the financial year still to go. Of course, India has always had a rich pool of talent in this field. But how far can talent go without adequate investment in training, and in the development of requisite skills to not just spot opportunities, but to convert them into assets for oneself and one’s party and family members? 
Leading India’s race to become the scam capital of the world is the Adarsh School of Scam Enterprise Studies (ASSES), which has trained many of the stars in shining India’s Corruption Hall of Fame. DNA persuaded the low profile but highly erudite dean of ASSES, Prof Lalit Raja Kalmashok, to give his first ever media interview, and share his thoughts on the year that saw India emerge as the forerunner for a permanent seat in the United Nation’s Scam Council. Excerpts:

As someone who had been closely involved in training scamsters for the Indian economy, this must have been a fabulous year for you.
Oh yes. We have been flooded with applications for the next academic year — some 50 lakh applications for the 40-odd seats that we have. Rather than disappoint all these youngsters, we are planning to offer MSc as a correspondence course.

MSc?
Master of Scams. It is an intensive two-year course with modules on various sectors and kinds of scamming — on hawala, banking, judiciary, defence, sports, real estate, etc. At the end of the course, every student will have to successfully perpetrate an original scam of his or her own — only then is the degree given.

But considering scams are still looked down upon in  Indian society, what is the value of your degree? Will they get good placements?
Look, it is high time we as a society stopped being hypocrites, stopped mouthing sanctimonious bullshit about ethics and morality and embraced corruption whole-heartedly. Our borrowed western notions of ‘honesty’, ‘probity’ and ‘integrity’ have long outlived their utility — they should have gone out the window along with fancy ideas such as truth and nonviolence, which are nice for drawing room conversation but little else.

Are you suggesting that India’s youth — its future — should not have any ethics or values?
It is because of all this humbug about ethics that for years and years thousands of India’s promising young men and women have been unable to choose this as a career. My goal in starting ASSES is to make scamming a respectable profession, like investment banking or politics or the media.

In any case, the only ethical precept that our own civilisation lays down is to follow one’s dharma. Now, what is a politician’s dharma? To make money. What is a businessman’s dharma? To make money. What is a journalist’s dharma? To make money. What is a doctor’s dharma? Wrong! To make money. And if you look at it through a dharmic lens, all these people who the chattering classes term ‘corrupt’ were doing nothing but following their dharma more directly, and with greater efficiency. It is people who have neither the resourcefulness nor the talent to do their own scams that occupy the moral high ground, and pass judgement, which, if you ask me, represents the height of hypocrisy and the nadir of silliness.

But how will your students land jobs in a hypocritical society?
You can’t be serious!? 2010 has been a stupendous year of growth for India. The ‘economy’ as defined by economists may have grown at a paltry 9%. But the scam sector has taken off like a rocket. Any forward-thinking company or politician or PR agency will lap up our graduates. In fact, WiseNavi Corporate Communications is a regular at our campus placements, as are the DMK, the Congress, the BJP, the NCP, the RJD, the CIA, the CBI, the MTV, and dozens of other money-making rackets whose abbreviations I cannot remember right now. My students are employed in senior positions in some of India’s biggest corporate houses, but thanks to the squeamishness of our society, I am contractually bound not to disclose the names of these companies. I have always believed that both corruption and prostitution should be legalised — that is the mark of a mature society. But sadly, we’re not there yet.

Is it true that you have signed on Neera Radio as professor of communications on some outrageous salary?
Well, as you know, teachers are one of the worst paid professionals. We at ASSES have seen how the IIMs and IITs have suffered — losing their best teaching talent because of poor salaries. Professor Radio is not an academic but a professional with a wealth of experience in the field. Her knowledge of the industry and the bureaucracy will be an invaluable asset to the ASSES faculty, and her vast network of contacts in high places will boost the placement prospects of our students. With her joining ASSES, we arguably have the strongest faculty of any Scam School anywhere in the world. So we don’t really mind paying her a monthly salary that is, say, a few hundred times more than what you, your children, and your children’s children will earn in your combined lifetimes.

How will scams affect the flow of FDI into India?
Scams are a sunrise sector, and as you saw in the CWG scam, quite a few foreign investors from developed economies such as Australia, UK and Germany were active participants. In terms of volume as well as revenue, India was the world’s largest number producer of scams this year. This will further boost India’s image in the global arena, and make us an attractive destination for scamming talent and scam investments from around the world.

Is it true that a certain high profile TV journalist has been offering guest lectures at ASSES on how to bully adversaries into silence through the three-fold tactic of filing lawsuits, yelling, and emotional atyachar?
I’m afraid I can’t comment on that. But it is high time that we, the people of India, became mature enough to make peace with the fact that the buck doesn’t stop anywhere but in the offshore account of a talented, hardworking scamster who has graduated from ASSES.

What is your message to India’s youngsters from the SEC A category?
India is on sale right now. This is the best time ever to sell off your country’s resources and siphon away taxpayer’s money. Once you’ve done this long enough to become a dollar billionaire, like a true patriot, become an NRI and come back for more. Jai Hind.