‘I was too far out of the closet to go back in’

As a gay man looking for love, it can be in the place where you least expect it. But, it might not always be good for you.

I was fresh out of college when I landed my first job as an editor/proofreader. My colleagues were young, fun and friendly. I was in the midst of a transition – from being in denial about my sexuality to finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I was on a sexual high, looking for the occasional hook-up. I wasn’t looking for love. After two months on the job, one of my ‘straight’ colleagues decided to ‘drunk-text’ me one night. We chatted, and he said he wanted to “get to know me better”, and I obliged. We started hanging out a lot at work, and after work. We would even have hour-long conversations on the phone when I reached home.

I liked the attention. However, what started off as innocent fun suddenly took an ugly turn. I thought he liked me, because I liked him. I decided to throw caution to the wind and tell him that I was developing feelings for him. I did it over SMS because I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him in person. When I hit the ‘send’ button, I was scared. What if he outed me publicly? Was I ready for the stares and sniggers? Would he stop talking to me? Was he even gay?

I didn’t receive a message. When I walked into work, he avoided me. However, he finally broke the silence and told me we would “talk about the situation” after work. We did. He told me “I mistook the friendship for love”. He told me he had a girlfriend, but the relationship had hit a rough patch. He told me he appreciated the fact that I was “there for him”. He told me it would be best if we stopped talking to each other, because it would help me “get over him”. I was shattered and confused.

I couldn’t face him at work. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I lost my appetite and I dropped 20 kilos. I lost my spunk, my confidence and my pride. It was a struggle to wake up every day and face him at work. Was there any hope of a gay man finding true love? Or was I doomed to have clandestine relationships with closet cases?

It went to counselling and with the support of my friends (whom I had come out to during this dark phase) I had to get my life back on track. I was soon coming into my own. Later that year (in 2011), I came out to my parents. It felt like a huge burden had lifted. I never spoke to the guy again, although he tried to re-kindle the friendship. I had come too far out of the closet to ever go back in again.

A year later, I found love. I found me.