Twitter: When the fakes beat the originals

Many fake Twitter profiles are more popular than celeb originals. DNA addresses a classroom of fakes, begging them to keep tweeting

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Dear Class,
I’m your biggest fan, so please continue tweeting in class.

It’s become rather boring to follow a celebrity on Twitter. They neither reply to my tweets, nor do they retweet mine. So predictable they’ve become that I can manage their accounts in my sleep and type stuff like, ‘heyaa is every1 doin...jus finished a shoot...went off well..believe in hard work, follow your dreams..luv ya!’

What an irony! Our superstars play so many varied characters in films, but they cannot make a single character out of 140 sound interesting on Twitter! Let’s sign a petition and get them to stop their twilosophy. We want some entertainment, whatsay @jhunjhunwala?

I must admit, my love for fake Twitter profiles began the day I landed on @jhunjhunwala’s page and was floored by his punchline: “I made greatness GREAT before which it was known only as ness.” What a classic! Rohit Shetty can’t come up with slapstick like this!

But @jhunjhunwala, although you’re an ardent cricket fan, you’ve tweeted about Ravindra Jadeja too much. I admire that he’s in your slimy league of targets, but why don’t you tweet more about other greats, like Uday Chopra and Harman Baweja?! Nevertheless, your understanding of Indian politics seemed spot-on when you tweeted, “The Government and the Opposition have lied so much about the Nuclear Liability bill that they should rename it Nuclear LIE-ABILITY.”

Most  amusing of all was your tweet on the disastrous collapse of the Indian batting against Lanka: “Now I know why those LIC pop-ups keep appearing between balls. It’s for all those who’re gonna die watching India play.” What an idea, Sirjee!

And class, since I’m on the topic of death, may I request you to bring down the heavens, no, hell, for @satanbhagat, the author of Five Inch Someone. We used to think that an idle mind is a Bhagat’s workshop, but thank God it is the other way around!

Not only was he generous enough to inform us that the ‘real’ Chetan Bhagat is taking a break from Twitter, since he seems “to have used up all of his English,” he also gave Indo-Pak-China talks a totally new direction when he tweeted, “Is-lama-bad? is a question that every Tibetan monk must ask himself #translatedcities”.

Hear, hear! Besides, Bhagat’s versatility on transgender issues has become the story of legend. Sample this: “There are no transgender issues. Only queeries.” Folks, I’ve already made my mind to pre-book his next novel.
But in the entire class, it is the Saffron contingent which has been a real revelation unlike others. Who else, other than crouching tiger, hidden mongoose — @fakebalthakre! He’s nobody to remain quiet when it comes to the welfare of Marathi manoos.

Sample this: “I’m all for saving Marathi films & plays, so long as no one asks me why they needed saving in the first place.” I’ve heard cubicles explode when he exclaimed, “Hindusthan’s best orthopaedic surgeon Dr @varungandhi80 is on twitter!!!”

The tiger of Matoshree may be  ageing, but his merger and acquisition skills appeared intact when he tweeted: “So Intel acquired McAfee. That’s a bit like Shiv Sena merging with the Indian Olympic Association.”

But class, to be honest, I’ve been so addicted to Twitter that nowadays I skip the newspapers to read the daily news through Twitter. I’m frankly amazed at the ability of @fakingnews to report news as we want to hear it, not as it is. How considerate!

Imagine my delight when @fakingnews tweeted about Rahul Gandhi’s desire to throw shoes at CMs to show his solidarity with the common man. Seems like the separation of the classes is coming up. And it’s also getting the country united, reaffirming my thoughts that this country thinks alike! Here’s proof:

@fakingnews responded to Sehwag being denied a century by a deliberate no-ball and that tweet felt like a nation talking to itself: “We should bowl a wide down the leg side for a boundary and deny EVERYONE in the Sri Lanka team a century. REVENGE TIME!”

It’s at such times I realise what a boring place Twitter would have been, had it not been for fakes. To twist a line from The Shawshank Redemption, ‘Fake is a good thing’. What would the world do without fakes — fake imitations, fake orgasms, fake passports, fake labels: Originality cannot make our lives completely colourful. Class, keep the tweets coming. They say that proximity breeds
contempt. Let me post a corollary to it: Anonymity breeds fan-following.

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