Celebrate your andar ki aurat

I remember when I was a student at Khalsa College in Matunga, Mumbai, one of the topics I was asked to speak on in the personality contests of the college was: “What if you discover that one day you are a woman?”

I remember feeling half shy and half mad at my professor Lakhbir Kaur who was responsible for the mess I was in. I hated my professors then. I hated the fact that I, being so uncomfortable acknowledging my feminine side, was forced to speak about it. Of course, I lost my voice and fumbled as I spoke. But not for long. In a year, I rose to new heights as I dressed as Aishwarya Rai for the college event. That was the first time I cross dressed. The same professor Kaur was now half proud and half shocked. I remember having this long discussion with her. She said, “You look fabulous, Harish. But you can’t go on stage like this. You will be bullied.” I was too young and vulnerable. She gauged me well. She ensured that I didn’t cross dress then because she understood that I will not be able to deal with the jibes and misogyny that would follow. And she was right. I was on stage as Lord Krishna that year. I won the first prize running behind my Radha on stage. I attributed my prize to her.

That was it. My explorations of my feminine side. I was then slotted to behave as the gender corresponding to my sex assigned at birth — male, for the rest of my life. I had no courage to challenge things then. Something that resonates with many people I know in Mumbai now. They are pushed to behave as a mirror image of what society perceives their gender to be. Gender is a social construct, but more importantly, it is a personal construct. You can build your gender the way you want, beyond the so called norms of society. However, it took me over a decade to realise that. Today, I am a gender male, but I am at complete ease with my feminine side. I have even explored it flamboyantly in the recent pride parade where I dressed up as a sexuality-non-conforming, but gender-confirming maushi. As I put on my fake breasts and mascara, I transformed to being feminine, the way I define it. Full with navvari and gajra, I was also asked to pose with curious onlookers who were convinced that I was a woman, but yet wondered because of the huge Adam’s apple popping out of my throat. I felt at complete ease when people asked me if I was transgender or hijra. It reminded me that I do not have to confirm to anything that the society wants me to. And that there is nothing wrong in accepting and celebrating your feminine side.

This International Women’s Day, I celebrated every man who is unashamed of the woman in him. And of course I remembered my Prof Lakhbir Kaur.

Ma’am, amhi jinkhlo!

(Activist Harish Iyer shares his entertaining adventures through Mumbai’s landscape)

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