Let me choose my life, my partner

Parents claim they’re doing what’s best for their children, but the kids don’t see it that way. Speak Up talks to Mumbaikars who eloped and finds out that no matter how hard the road, love still triumphs over adversity

Love conquers all

Mine was an inter-caste marriage. Both my wife and I are Gujaratis, but from different castes. One of the biggest problems, however, was that my wife’s family was against the marriage because my family is non-vegetarian, while her family is pure vegetarian. Both of us tried our level best to convince them to give us their blessings, but they simply put their foot down. In the end, we opted for a court marriage. It’s been almost a year since we got married, but my in-laws still won’t talk to my wife and me. This bitter relationship has, time and again, put strain on my relationship with my wife. Sometimes, she feels I give too much importance to my parents, while she had to leave hers so that we could be together.

Parents always want the best for their children, but they also need to understand that their children are capable of making the right decisions. The reason, I feel, they don’t allow kids to choose their life-partners is to satisfy their own ego. As far as society is concerned, the talk about the latest ‘scandal’ will die down in a day or two. If two people love each other, no one else has the right to create problems.
—Pankaj Mehta

It’s an individual’s right to choose

I belong to a Brahmin family, and fell in love with a Catholic boy. When my parents found out, I was placed under house arrest for one whole year. My brother was sent to accompany me wherever I went. I got really frustrated and contemplated ending my life, but I wanted to spend my life with the boy I loved, and hence chose to live.
I visited the temple with my brother every Monday. One day, when I was praying, my boyfriend came from nowhere, picked me up and we fled on his bike. All this happened in front of my brother. That was the last time I saw my brother.

Today, eight years after getting married, I have not met either my parents, or my brother. To them, I’m dead. My parents feared that I would be forced to convert to Catholicism, but that didn’t happen. We both practice our religions and our children are left to choose the religion of their preference. Though I feel the loss of my parents, I believe that every individual has the right to marry the person of his/her choice.
—Sneha D’Souza

I was beaten by my parents

I am a Punjabi and fell in love with a south Indian boy. My family was in the dark about the affair for four years. The day they got to know, I was beaten up by my family. The next day I was packed-off to my aunt’s house in Delhi. Strict instructions where issued that I was not to be left alone. One fortunate night, my aunt, who’s a doctor by profession, had to attend to an emergency call. I took this opportunity to run away. I stole some money from her locker, took a train to Mumbai and landed at my boyfriend’s house. As his parents opposed the match too, we left his house the same day.

It took us  two years to get a home. I took a job of a receptionist, and he settled for a salesman’s job. I, however, have no regrets as I am very happy. I will not let the same thing happen to my children. They will have the freedom to choose their partners. 
—Ruchi Nair

Indians are still narrow-minded

When it comes to approving the partner their offspring chooses, parents — more often than not — feel their child is too impulsive and not mature enough to make that decision. With their life experiences, parents believe that the passion will soon die, leaving in its wake day-to-day monotony. Parents believe they know what’s good for the child. 

When parents choose a life partner for their child, they look at the family’s background and lifestyle, among other things. The case, however, is different when it comes to inter-religion marriages. The goal may not be their well-being, but conforming to the societal point of view. Parents feel that the child has done the wrong thing by getting married to someone from another religion. They get agitated and upset, as they are not used to going against societal norms.

From the kind of people who come to me for counselling, I feel that we are still rigid in our mentality. There hasn’t been much change in the way Indians think; they are still narrow-minded and orthodox.

From all the love marriages I have observed in the last seven to eight years, most have fallen apart. Love is not enough. I would say, don’t marry everyone you love, but preferably don’t marry the one you don’t love.

Chulani is a clinical psychologist