Things people (like me) say

The other day, I had the most awkward conversation with an old friend, who got married last year. Awkward in hindsight, because at the moment, I thought I was playing cool. Well, not.  

It was not very different form the conversation I had with another friend, who has been committed to being single. I was dying to find out more about his love life, but realised, it was turning out to be a bit embarrassing. Not for him, but I am embarrassing myself. 

There is a notion, that being in a relationship for a while, being married or being on wrong side of 30 (if you find a right side to any age after 20, let me know. I somehow always wake up on the wrong side of every thing), qualifies you to be a relationship expert. Or give you some sort of a moral and social right to ask and get away with intrusive and obnoxious statements. 

Especially if you are woman. It is almost as if, any woman worth her wrinkles, dark circles and monthly hair-colour touch-ups, is allowed to pry, talk dirty, talk silly, flirt incorrigibly, give advice on everything from contraception to chocolate cakes, spooning to spamming. We have earned the right to be somewhat creepy Miss Know-it-alls with a twisted sense of humour. So there!

Here are just some of the questions/phrases that we love to throw at anyone we feel needs a shot of our wisdom and wit:

1.  So how’s married life treating you? (Every time I ask this question, expect the answer to be in the negative. Most often the guys make a polite exit after this. The women usually start talking)

2.  Netflix is like sex for working parents (This is a huge ice-breaker, a great conversation starter and rarely fails)

3.  Are you happy? (If you ever want to leave someone fumbling for the right words, or wish to wipe off a smug grin and super confident poise, drop this bomb and watch)

4.  Who makes breakfast? (Again, a trick question)

5.  You got PCOD? I got a good doctor! (Mother Hen coming at ya, full throttle)

6.  Marriage is over rated. (Says someone who’s been at it for 17 years)

7.  She walks like someone who’s not had any action for a while (claws out, spit and meow!)

8.  Planning a baby? Let me tell you something… (oh no.. here we go again…) 

9.  40 is the new 20 (one of the many lies we tell ourselves when we meet other 40-something women for coffee because the younger lot will not hang out with us) 

10.  Find what matters to you (your husband’s credit card, a dress that will hide your bulge, a miracle face cream for your wrinkles and a night of hot sex, in no particular order)   

None of the above has been copyrighted, but I would advise you against trying them on anyone who is even remotely special to you.

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