Journey of my homo self in a hetero world

When I was about 13, to me, ‘liking’ someone meant the feeling I had when I wanted to see them all the time and tell them everything about my life. At the time, I had such feelings for a girl, let’s call her V. She was five years older to me, and to not arouse her suspicion, I called her didi. Soon, V left school and that was that, not a soul knew about my feelings.

I was in an all girls school in UAE. In high school we learned about reproduction, and my knowledge of love came from my friends. It sounded similar to what I’d felt for V but in their world, everything happened between a man and woman. Looked like no one had heard of a girl liking a girl. Every friend dreamed of a man and so I thought it was the thing to do. I tried as well. I started crushing on any guy I saw because I assumed that was how I could understand how love feels. My first kiss was with a guy, but I still thought of women. I crushed on them but kept it all to myself. At the same time, I teased people with labels like ‘lesbo’ and ‘so gay’ — something I’m not proud of.

Soon, I became tired of myself and crawled back into a shell.

Life took an about turn when I came to India. I felt that people were much more accepting here and my understanding of love and sexuality began to deepen. I felt love for girls, boys and more. For me, it had nothing to do with how they were born physically, and for the longest time I thought I was pansexual.

I didn’t come out to my family until recently. I sat my mother down and tried explaining that I liked men, women and everyone else. I mentioned dating and marrying women like it is normal. At the same time, I tried explaining my gender fluidity to my friends, then boyfriend and mother. I called myself a tomboy and my mother didn’t like that I didn’t behave or walk like a girl. There are days when I wake up and feel like a boy, on other days a girl. It confused me greatly because I couldn’t find myself. It was always a part of me but it was only recently that I learned the name for it.

In late 2016, I came out as gay. I don’t identify with the word lesbian. Sexuality is a confusing journey, a path of discovery that cannot be boxed in definite rules. I figured that my attraction towards everyone had a lot to do with panromanticism. But sexually, I was only attracted to women. I started dating someone early this year and with her, for the first time, everything felt like it was falling into place.

Some people I have come out to are in denial, telling me it’s a phase. Some have asked me to ‘just choose already’ when I was pansexual and whether I would be ‘interested in threesomes’. Some friends have abandoned me. For rest of the world, anyone who’s asked me about my sexuality has always received a straight answer.

Tell us how you came out of the closet at sexualitydna@gmail.com