Must-take oath if you want to be a Mumbaikar

Draw up a dignified retirement-cum exit route if you are working in Mumbai

I recognise that Mumbai is no place for the elderly; so I will go back to my “native place” when I grow old.

I accept that “elderly” in Mumbai means anyone who has crossed forty and has lost all chances of becoming a corporate vice-president or CEO.

I acknowledge that the government has nothing to do with elderly people being throttled and battered. I readily concede that the government has never employed animals who dress as courier boys and choke and club the elderly.

I accept that it is my responsibility to leave the city before the butchers in fancy dress sense my growing arthritis and helplessness.

As for leaving Mumbai to return to my “native place”, I promise not to quibble if my native place is Ghatkopar.

I undertake to learn and respect the local mores of Mumbai.

I understand perfectly well that the above rule will apply to me even if I come from Sangli, Pune, or Nashik.

If I happen to relocate to Mumbai from any other Maharashtrian city, I promise to wipe out the number plate of my vehicle. The plate would of course have had the characters in the state language. But I solemnly pledge that I will not deny the local number-plate artisans a chance to have a go at the said plate in the said language.

I agree that what I earn in Mumbai must be spent in Mumbai. If I become a politician and I am granted a ring of protective commandos, I will ban them from using carbines made in Israel, US, Germany, or even
Bulandshaher.

I guarantee that my commandos will wield guns made in Sion.
 
I also vow never to fly until the chaps at Airbus and Boeing set up their units in Kurla.

I swear to support compulsory equal-opportunity drive in Mumbai. Some young local people may foolishly want to become bankers, writers, or teachers. But in order to help them appreciate the glory to having access to all jobs, I will join conscript-gangs that force the young people to drive taxis and sell paan.

I will also proactively take part in banning all dishes that are not indigenous to Mumbai. Masala-dosa will be on the top of my target list. The pernicious pancake is so ubiquitous that nobody knows its origins. From Chandigarh to Kolkata, the dosa has had a free run. But its advance will be halted in Mumbai, and local dishes - like sandwiches and pastries available at Mumbai airport - will thrive again.

Finally, I will strenuously oppose all ugly artificiality, like malls, that has never been part of ancient Mumbai. I will become part of a group of born-again pioneers who barter goods in open fields of Jogeshwari. If I want rice, I will give away my Om Shanti Om CD. Someone said to me that he wanted to resolve to kill all flamingos unless they repay Mumbai for the mudflat treats by dropping poop nowhere else in the world throughout their lifetime.
 
raghu@dnaindia.net