The Offended Indian

After Effects

I have decided that if nothing else works in my life, I’m going to make a career out of being offended. It’s the latest growing breed of specialists —The Offended Indian. His fragile value system is easily shattered if two people hold hands on the streets or someone scratches his nose while singing the national anthem. The Offended Indian is quick to file a petition in court or burn effigies or hold dharnas to express his hurt sentiments.

And with a media that will ensure that your offended sensibilities get full play on prime time, this is turning out to be a specialised area of operation with zero investment in terms of education or expertise.

However, it has high returns in the form of fame, notoriety and the sheer thrill of drawing the country’s attention away from grave issues. In other words, it’s amazing how we discovered this vocation in a country where poverty, inflation, rising crime rate and terrorist threats should actually be offending us a lot more than Richard Gere’s kiss or Mandira Bedi’s sari!

But what truly amazes me is how a country that has so many problems actually finds the time to focus so intensely on Mandira’s sari. I mean, who are these people with so much time on hand to actually make effigies of Richard Gere and then trot all the way to a film set and burn it after some vociferous naare-baazi? I mean, this sounds like a fun job!

I mean, I could stare at a film poster until the lettering starts to resemble an obscene symbol and then call for its ban! And the best part is that you need no investment to be an Offended Indian but you have the full liberty to vandalise other people’s investments in the name of upholding Indian culture and morality. In short, you are free to operate with complete irresponsibility!

The only thing that bothers me is what do I tell my wife when I return home after a hard day at work pelting stones at a BEST bus or burning effigies of Shilpa Shetty or demanding the arrest of Richard Gere. Because the chances are that she might turn around and ask, “Honey, don’t you ever get offended that our son has failed in kindergarten and our daughter has been rusticated from the nursery?” But who cares! So long as I get to uphold Indian culture by being uncultured…