Some vital info

The Spectator

I do not know about you,  but I often think that my brain is going to implode with the information overload it gets from the daily papers.

I also have absolutely no idea what to do with all the trivia that it gathers each day as I trawl through the daily news.

What for instance will I do with the knowledge that Basic Instinct’s director Paul Verhoeven has kept Sharon Stone’s scented panties from the leg-crossing scene?

How will I ever use the information that Jessica Simpson now wears her breasts proudly, but didn’t so earlier? And what about the fact that actor Akashh Deep Saigal may grow his hair for a role? Will I ever be called to demonstrate such vital information say at a crucial meeting?

Will I be asked at point blank range: So Malavika — what exactly is the status of Akashh Deep Saigal’s hair at the moment? And having been asked this leading question will I be able to impress my interrogator with the reply: Mr Saigal is likely to turn negative in Star Plus’ Kyunki Saas series and is considering growing his hair for this very purpose?

All this information that daily assaults my brain like a demolition squad leaves me not only fatigued but very very bewildered.

For instance, I now know some extremely intricate details of every top Star employee and what they are planning to do with themselves for the next 12 months ( Peter will join Indrani’s firm until his no-competition clause runs out) but I have no idea why I know this — or how it affects my life.

Just yesterday, for instance, Hugh Grant has proposed to Jemima Khan, and not only do I know that he is willing to become stepfather of her two children from Imran — but that she has still not accepted.

I know now that June 22 was the saddest day of the year, that Terrie Berenden, a pet shop owner has created a non-alcoholic beer made from beef extract and malt for her pet, that a brain scan can tell if you are altruistic, that there is a group of parents who have started a movement to foster more modest stress-free parties, and that Mithun Chakraborty has shifted to Mumbai to help his sons Mimoh and Rimoh with their careers — but believe me — I really don’t know how I can leverage this knowledge!

Perhaps there will come a day when my knowledge that the Raheja family had ensured that their party at Madh Island on January 20, 2007 spelled elegance with flowers and candles and a black and gold theme, or that actor Aftab Shivdasani was spotted at the ITC Grand Maratha Sheraton with Sunil Pathare of Maxwell Industries or that a thief in China returned a cell phone after 21 sms or even that Karan Johar likes guests on his show who are chatty and mad — will eventually help me get on in life.

But I have my doubts. How about you?

s_malavika@dnaindia.net