Where O where should lovers in Mumbai go?

Dear spoilsport moral police, you probably bloomed in an age of gardens and large open spaces with quiet, secluded corners: Five Gardens in Wadala, Hanging Garden in Malabar Hill and Chowpatty beach sands.

Now Five Gardens has health-conscious joggers jostling around with whatever secluded space is left after being taken over by pedigree breeds and their keepers.

Hanging Garden overflows with the neo-rich, who make a beeline for the green space to cut calories. And Chowpatty, with its garishly lit-up rides for children, a Nana Nani park and beach patrol vans that have taken over the dark and dangerously romantic beach, is now all lit-up and utterly unromantic.

Cabs are rickety, AC buses have banned couples from occupying back seats and movie halls are too packed for comfort. Did you know that a large number of love-struck couples must trek all the way to Matheran or Karjat to be together? Others who don’t have the time end up at Borivli national park, which according to Google search results is by far the most popular haunt for cuddly couples.

But now with the Mumbai top cop putting Marine Drive and Bandra Bandstand under his radar, the few “makeout destinations” for lovers hardly sound as green as they appear. As if sitting on the tetrapods looking at the moonlight glistening on the waves while cockroaches crawl up your pants, eunuchs pester you for cash and the recluse peeing in close proximity was not enough to make the experience quite unforgettable in the first place. But this isn’t half as risky as perching on a rock at bandstand for a lip-lock, only to realise that the tide is ready to swallow you up.

The choice is between the tide and the ever vigilant Mumbai policeman, and the challenge is to survive both.