Moments that truly deserve one tight slap

One tight slap! That’s what the ticket collector deserved. These aren’t the sentiments of a ticketless traveller.

These are the feelings of a fellow traveller incensed to see the TC in question chewing gutkha on duty and thinking nothing of spitting from the door of the compartment.

The Parsi gentleman (his accent a dead give away) seemed to be the only one who was incensed, while others (including yours faithfully) were disturbed briefly and went back to their reading/sleeping unmindful of what we’ve come to expect as an everyday occurrence. Of course people keep spitting and relieving themselves all over. We just look away. What to do we are like this only.

Regardless of our quiet, the senior Parsi admonished us for saying nothing and went back to berating the TC who was now angry. The moment he threatened the Parsi, the quiet crowd suddenly found its voice. “Show us your card,” “We’ll report you,”

“You should be ashamed” and so on and so forth. Sensing the mood change rapidly between Matunga Road and Dadar, the TC quietly slunk off…

I began thinking of who else deserves a tight slap and came up with this list:

The Dwarpals: You can see the space over their shoulders in the compartment but nothing will move these two legged obstacles from the train door. When they let you squeeze by, they look like they’ve done you the biggest obligation ever.

The Family Planners: These gentlemen come armed with brief cases which they wield with the dexterity of a gladiator with a lance. As they make lightning moves with their weapons from the knee upwards you wonder why abdomen guards have not been made mandatory for train travel yet.

The Footsie Players: This species believes the compartment is their drawing room and love to sprawl. One minute you are reading your newspaper and the next you find a whole pair legs between yours.

The Vithobas: Inspired by the deity these people have to stand even on the most crowded platforms (Dombivli / Jogeshwari) with their hands on their hips.

Everyone who has to go past them has to ensure that they make space for that much more.

The Great Gamblers: These groups believe that earmarked spaces are their birthright. No matter how crowded the train gets they will not let you stand between seats. Worse if they stand they ensure that there is enough space in the middle even if others are in danger of getting their family jewels squashed.

The Caressers: They have great affection for all fellow beings and think it is necessary to caress their faces and even jab their eyes with newspaper and magazine pages as they read.

The Cacaophony Club: When not ensuring the whole compartment benefits from the dhinchak number on their mobile, they raise a din with devotional songs or chants that would make the Gods shudder.

Would love to know of more categories … So do write in to tell us who else deserves one tight slap!