IPL calling: It's a whole new game playing out there

When it comes to the Indian Premier League (IPL), the field stands divided. On one side are bar owners who really love it and on the other side are people who say there are too many things wrong with the IPL. The rest just watch.

The biggest thing wrong, they say, is that it promotes greed; it’s cricket selling out. It’s made the gentleman’s game a pimp’s paradise.

With the IPL, Lalit Modi has perfected the system of everyone getting a piece of the cake. Everyone’s happy. The people, because there is always something to watch. The government, because it is bringing in the money and keeping the population distracted. Brands, because there’s a chance to blow their trumpet every few seconds. The ZooZoos are ecstatic and might even consider applying for Indian citizenship. Music channels are elated because they cover IPL parties solving the problem of how to fill up the 24 hours. Speculation-crazed ‘experts’ on news channels are satisfied because they have something more to talk about.

Here’s how the numbers stack up.

Set Max set a deal of Rs 8,200 crore with the IPL last year. The first three years, BCCI gets 20%, franchisees get 80%. Years 4 and 5, BCCI gets 30%, franchisees 70%. Years 6 to 10, BCCI gets 40%, franchisees 60%.

So, the BCCI is happy, too.

As per an IIFL research report, the franchisees rake in the revenue with 1) sponsors (around Rs 20 crore); 2) gate receipts (80% of seats in the stadium are available to franchise for sale. The seven matches played on the home ground are the franchisee’s pocket money and it’s around Rs 15 crore); 3) in-stadia advertising (boundary advertising boards available to the franchise, around Rs 5 crore); 4) merchandise sales Rs 2-5 crore; 5) media tie-ups.

They spend the following: player salaries (Rs 30 crore), travel and stay (Rs 4 crore), stadium fees (Rs 3.5 crore. The franchisee pays Rs 50 lakh as rent for the stadium for every match hosted on the home ground), team promotions (media promotions for visibility, Rs 12 crore), other costs (staff, admin etc, Rs 5 crore).

Now, that’s the lifetime earning of the entire Indian Middle Class put together, with the provident fund thrown in. Not an inch has been spared to generate revenue. The jerseys look like graffitis of greed; the trousers with a logo on each leg are no different. Helmets, caps, grounds, sightscreens, stumps, umpires, boundary ropes, dugouts, and the giant screen, there are logos everywhere. The ads are played not just between overs, but between deliveries. (And like it’s not bad enough, they’re playing Akshay Kumar dressed as a chef acting like he finally saw Chandni Chowk to China). Every segment is sold. There is DLF Maximum. Karbon Kamal Catches. Citi Moment of Success.

But before you cringe about the money-minded IPL, you have to think of the social service it’s done. The IPL is nothing less than a stroke of genius by a special man (if he can wear a suit and a tie even in Chennai in the middle of April, of course he is special). It’s given everyone a chance, not just sportsmen.

The Indian cricket team is like a really prestigious college with only 11 seats and millions applying. Since oldies never passed out, a generation of players just rotted (Just ask Amol Muzumdar). Thankfully, the IPL came along and made the likes of Saurabh Tiwary, R Ashwin, and Umesh Yadav household names. These guys probably would’ve never gotten a chance without IPL.

Then there are those who had hung up their pads and gloves. “What the hell, this body can last 20 overs and a few cheerleaders” was the new war-cry of the old and bold like Ganguly, Kumble, Gilchrist, Hayden, Jayasuriya, etc.

Then there are those whose lives and bank accounts the IPL resurrected. Agarkar, Balaji, Munaf Patel, Parthiv Patel, amongst others.

And it’s not just on the field; IPL extends its social service far beyond, into the stands, benefiting the assembly of mediocrity called Bollywood. It’s the best way to stay on Page 3 and in the gossip circles. If it wasn’t for the IPL, it’s certain that not even Aftab Shivdasani’s maid would ask his opinion on anything, let alone cricket. It’s the best platform for Deepika Padukone to practise her entire gamut of four-and-a-half expressions. Sidharth Mallya, who looks like he was raised on stale beer, uses it as a platform to flaunt who he is dating these days, as do many others. What dancing in deserts couldn’t do for Sameera Reddy, the IPL did.

Someone finally asked her who she really supports, apart from her family. It’s also finally given Shilpa Shetty a chance to showcase her acting skills which she couldn’t while romancing Akshay Kumar. Before IPL, the only high points in her life were being kissed by Richard Gere and being racially abused by Ms Not-So-Goody in Big Brother. How tragic. There is also Preity Zinta.

Too old to play the college girl and too young to play a mother, there was no space for her in Bollywood and the IPL was the best way to keep that smile going. It’s a great PR opportunity for the celebrities who wave a flag standing next to SRK. Some have no interest in cricket. Whoever is jobless is welcome. Including businessmen’s wives who were so far content with being interior designers. Little wonder Saif and Kareena are trying for a team. IPL has given everyone an occupation, some through its indirect employment scheme, where Mandira Bedi has cashed in with her regular column in a newspaper.

The list of beneficiaries extends all the way to the studios. Say hello to the experts —- Sidhu, Saba Karim, Ramiz Raja, Ranjit Fernando, to name a few. People like Saba Karim have hardly played for the Indian team and are experts passing profound remarks about strategy. If Saba Karim can be an expert, Rakhi Sawant can be a nun. The anchors are no different either. Nobody really remembered Gaurav Kapoor, ex-Channel [V] till he came back in a suit, but yet unshaven. Not to mention Angad Bedi who after failing to spin like his dad, failing to do a cookery show, continues the emotional atyachar, this time not at Hungama but Set Max.

IPL is for failures and socialites, what Bollywood songs are for extras. It’s a gathering of the ‘have-beens’ and ‘never-could’ve-beens.’ Lalit Modi is not a merchant of greed but of gracious opportunity. He believes in giving. He has given a lease of life and lust for so many across the nation. Long live the IPL.