Sex and the sixties

Retirement is not just for loneliness and spirituality. Divya Subramaniam reports on the changing attitudes towards older couples who are still game for a romp in the bed.

Close your eyes and imagine a wife planning a really sexy night as an anniversary gift for her husband. The agenda includes sex toys, erotic literature and films, music, kinky lingerie, perfumed candles, chocolate and the works. Now open your eyes and tell me, what age were the couple in your imagination? Above 60? Unlikely.

Somehow the idea of grand parents (ours or someone else’s) having sex makes us squirm. In our society, each age group has a behavioural code. And the behavioural code for the elderly does not include sex. Especially in India, the emphasis is on spirituality and sex at that age is considered downright indecent. Many couples are embarrassed to indulge in and even talk about sex as they get older. This process is often hastened by the fact that our bodies and minds change as we get older.

“Many of our abilities grow weaker as we grow older, but there is no other ability that we give up on, as easily as we give up on sex,” says Sandeep Shetty, who is a sex educator. Shetty conducts seminars for “Better Loving” because according to him most people are unaware of what is required of them in bed. “I get a smattering of people who are older. But most often people actually take pride in the fact that they don’t have sex anymore. And this attitude is encouraged by society.”

Rohini Hattangadi, actor agrees that society is too quick to condemn and ridicule any display of affection in older couples. “If people see an older couple holding hands and walking along the sea the immediate reaction is that of amusement or surprise. It is not considered normal,” she says. “However even if the sex drive dips a bit, it is not possible to survive without physical intimacy. This continues for as long as a person lives.”

However there may be more older couples having sex than we think. Dr Mahinder Watsa a sexologist says, “Many people consulting me are those who want to continue having sex. A lot of them go through what is called the Empty Nest Syndrome, where children have settled elsewhere and the depression and loneliness affect the seniors’ sexual life. If children get to know that their parents still have an active sex life, they either joke about it or else, accept it. Young people still think that older individuals do not have sex, but that is not true. Many people remain ignorant right through their life.”

Nandini Sardesai, professor of sociology felt that despite the overwhelming social pressure, many couples manage to have an active sex life. “It is not so much to do with age as with attitude,” she says. “The problem comes up when each one of the couple has a different interest. That is when the loneliness sets in.”

Shetty however feels that old age is no time to give up sex. “If our eyesight gets weaker, do we give up reading and watching TV or do we run to the eye doctor and get glasses? So if our sexual apparatus weakens, why should we give up on it entirely? If wearing glasses does not affect your enjoyment of reading a book, then adapting to the necessities of age when it comes to sex shouldn’t be a big deal,” he says. Dolly Thakore, socialite and actor has a very positive outlook. “Today’s children are not as stupid as we used to be,” she says.

“There is greater awareness among them. They accept their parents as human beings and are astute enough to understand their need for companionship. Sex is no longer a taboo. People get married late, in fact. But as one ages, sexuality translates into companionship. Biologically, the libido decreases but the interest remains. The day will soon come, when people will live beyond 80 and 90 years and make outrageous statements a la Khushwant Singh. I think it is wonderful to have people like that.”