She's not like that

Ten years ago, Cecilia Pradhan* met a guy, fell in love, and moved in with him. After living with him for eight years, at 29, she did the unthinkable: she returned home without wanting to marry him.

Pradhan felt he was not the man for her. So she broke up and decided to continue with her studies. Marriage wasn’t part of her plans. She was happy as she was.

But the people around her were convinced she must be unhappy. Her friends, her siblings, her parents. Even relatives who had never taken an interest in her now had an opinion. They had no doubt she was miserable. “How could she not be? She was unmarried after all.” Talk of stereotypes.

Newspapers and TV shows the past week were replete with reports on model Viveka Babajee’s suicide. News anchors were breathlessly mouthing words like ‘single’, ‘depressed’, ‘love affairs’, ‘parties’ and ‘broken heart’. Some even mentioned ‘drugs’. It’s not difficult to miss the subtext: “She was depressed because she was single.”

More and more women today have access to high-paying jobs. Many of them marry late. Some even prefer to stay single. But for those who choose to remain single, their relationship status triggers an avalanche of stereotypes, none of them flattering. The fact that they might be successful and happy is of little consequence. To most, their life is incomplete.

However, connecting suicidal depression with the single life is only one of many stereotypes that single women have to contend with.

I'M SINGLE BUT NOT A SLUT

Josephine Zimomi is a 32-year-old hair-dresser from Nagaland who lived in Mumbai for 12 years. Two years ago, she moved to Delhi and started living alone. “I’ve had many relationships, but I never met anyone I wanted to marry. I’m happy the way I am,” she says.

“Many men think that since I am single, I’ll be easy to bed. Even now, a neighbour of mine has got to know that I am unmarried, and despite having a girlfriend, he keeps suggesting that we go out on dates.” He keeps finding reasons to visit her.

Pradhan echoes Zimomi’s views. “Some men are blunt, while others hint at it indirectly. But they tend to think that since I’m single I must surely be sexually frustrated.”

She talks of a certain episode that hurt her. “On learning that I had broken up with my boyfriend, many men tried asking me out, both married and unmarried men. When a friend I knew for long, who was married and with kids, suggested I meet him in his hotel room, I was shocked and disgusted.”

I'M SINGLE, BUT MY LIFE ISN'T INADEQUATE

The dominant view in Indian society is that for a woman, getting married is the primary, if not sole, route to happiness. Most people believe that a single woman can have a great career and many friends, but her life will be bereft of real meaning unless and until she gets married.

Zimomi says, “We are either supposed to be promiscuous or don’t get any. It’s like if you’re married, all you have to do is roll over to have perfect sex.”

Meghana Rao, a 29-year-old unmarried social worker, describes how marriages themselves can be a source of unhappiness. Working with Breakthrough, an NGO that campaigns against domestic violence, she has seen how unhappy marriages can be.

“In India, we like to parade this concept of a happy family, but what actually happens behind the scenes is often something very different,” she says.

Ritika Coelho, 33, a lecturer in a leading Mumbai college, says, “If you are single, it is automatically assumed that there is something lacking in your life. People never understand that a woman can want to live alone and be independent.”

Coelho has had her share of sympathetic pats on the hand, accompanied by comments such as, “Oh, don’t worry, you will find someone.”

I'M SINGLE BUT HAVEN’T SLEPT MY WAY TO THE TOP

Dr Arwa Sheikh, 38, has a word of advice for men. If any single woman at the workplace is in a foul mood, don’t blame it on her relationship status. “It might be PMS, and both married and unmarried women suffer from it.”

Dr Sheikh worked as a general manager in a pharmaceutical company in Mumbai till recently and knows the kind of stereotyping rampant in offices. “If a single woman does well professionally, it is because she has slept with many powerful men. The fact that she is talented is not considered relevant.”

Dr Sheikh didn’t get married because she wanted to focus on her work. “If I had got married, I would have had to put my career on hold. Very few married women are lucky enough to get spouses who are supportive.”

Not only has Dr Sheikh done well, she quit her job of 10 years to start her own dermatology clinic. “Had I been married with children, such a decision would not be easy,” she says.

But don’t these women want to have children? Aren’t they afraid of dying alone? Pradhan says, “Not every woman wants to be a mother. And single women can pick up both the cheque at work and sperm at the bank.” She adds, “And who can guarantee how the husband will turn out to be? He could also die long before you do, in which case you’ll die alone anyway.”

I'M SINGLE, BUT WHY PAY ME LESS?

According to some single women, people tend to think of them as devoid of financial responsibilities. Harini Calamur, 41, a single woman and owner of Cogito Media Pvt Ltd, a production house, laughs as she describes an incident from her first job.

“A colleague and I, both equally qualified, were given promotions. But my salary hike was less than his. When I enquired with the HR in my office, a smug woman told me that since I was single I had lesser expenses than my married colleague.” Calamur was so stunned she actually laughed in the woman’s face.

Calamur’s family has made peace with the fact that she wants to remain single, but her grandmother still sends her matrimonial advertisements from newspapers.

Each of these single women has grouses to share. While talking about the stereotyping they face, some laugh and some frown in exasperation. But they realise that the fundamental issue deep down has to do with society’s anxiety about the way they are. and why they are they way they are.

As for Pradhan, after three years of pressure from her family and relatives, she has given in. A few days ago, she emailed a photo of hers, chosen by her parents, along with a bio-data describing her likes and dislikes, to the mother of a prospective groom in London. She knows how tough it can be to fight stereotypes about being single. Sometimes it seems simpler to give in. And perhaps inherit another set of stereotypes about married women. But that, as they say, is another story.

* Names have been changed on request