Parenting is an acquired taste, develop it

Our parenting expert answers questions related to unusual situations

> My daughters are two years apart in age. One is six and the other is eight. The problem is whenever we get something for one to mark a special occasion, say a birthday or good results, the other throws a tantrum. How do we impress on them that sometimes you have to reward good behaviour and they cannot always expect treats that the other one gets?
    Jyothika, Abbigere
At six and eight years, they should have developed self-regulation skills, or the ability to control their emotions, ability to wait for their turn and so on. Help your daughters work on it. Also, kids will be kids — when one gets something the other is bound to feel left out. I suggest that you give the birthday child a bigger gift and the other one a small token, so that the child whose special occasion it is should feel special! With a little practice and a little ‘talk’ to your girls, you will be able to get the new change in place.

> I am divorced and I have a 13-year-old daughter. She is otherwise well-behaved, but when I put my foot down on her expensive demands, she goes behind my back to her father and gets it. I am not on such good terms with my ex-husband that I can discuss or reason this with him. How do I tell my daughter this is wrong without being resentful or turning her away from me?
Anuradha, Whitefield

Parents’ break-up is hard on the kids. I can understand that your daughter gets what she wants from both parents. If the father can afford to and wants to give the child all this, then you cannot stop either the child or your ex-husband. She is a teenager now, so it is important to accept and show her what you can give — like love, attention and time, and what you cannot give, which is expensive gifts. Also, explain to her the reason for doing so. But stopping her or making her feel guilty about taking it from her father will only make the situation worse. Instead, accept and explain. Also, one needs to understand that children try to show off at this age to their friends. She needs to do  the same and she can get it from her father.
 
> I have a two-year-old son. My husband is in the merchant navy and stays away for long stretches. The problem is my son refuses to engage with his father and acts very hostile when he comes home. Is this natural? How do I help him bond better with his father?
Sujata, Vasanth Nagar

Your child is hostile for two reasons. First, he may feel you are lonely when your husband is not around and so blames the father for making you sad and lonely. Second, his level of interaction is low. So neither your husband nor your child are able to ‘break the ice’ when they meet after long intervals. Plan some ‘threesome’ activities when your husband comes and then slowly slip them into ‘twosome’ activities. Create situations where both would have to do something together for you. For instance, they can go buy the groceries together, and the child will feel like doing it, as it is for you!  Also, when your husband is not around, put up his pictures, talk about what he is doing and let your child make drawings or cards for his father, so that they are communicating even when not together. This will slowly help them bond.

Swati Popat Vats is the president of  the Podar Education Network and the author of several books on parenting