Warning: Creative genius at work

Salutations dear Nihalaniji,

Thanks to the onerous controversy that has been thrust upon your good self by some wholly disreputable members of your fillum industry, Sir, it is with great delight that I write to you, about a recent discovery I have made – all on my own, about you and your creative output.

You are, I see, perhaps the only Bollywood producer on the net who has not one but TWO songs listed in what is known as the 'Fifteen Most Perverted Double Meaning Songs In Bollywood'.

What is even more commendable is that both these gems emerge from the same film, the internationally-renowned Andaz, which you produced in 1994 (directed by the redoubtable David Dhawan) in the very heyday of your glorious and celebrated career. The songs Yeh Maal Gadi Tu Dhakka Laga and that memorable anthem to puerility, Khada Hai Khada Hai, both picturised on Anil Kapoor, an amorous professor with a palpably-aroused wife played by Juhi Chawla, are listed as second and fourteenth on this most august of lists, and though they didn't make the cut to the (excuse the expression) pole position (losing out to a song from Raja Babu picturised on Govinda and Karisma Kapoor), they are certainly outstanding examples of your – how shall I say it – oeuvre. Besides, I am told you were the man who launched such sterling talent among our midst as Govinda and Chunky Pandey. Your creation of Govinda has come as close to impersonating a life-size penis in the aforementioned song as any the screen has ever seen, proving that he is but an arrow from your very quiver (there we go again with the double entrendes).

But to get back to your own genius and its contribution to the annals of world cinema, let me start with Yeh Maal Gadi Tu Dhakka Laga.

In how many ways can you suggest a man and a gal in the throes of some searing hokey pokey without resorting to full frontal shots of genitalia? This conundrum must have challenged the likes of you, Nihalaniji, keeping you up many nights until you hit upon that burst of creativity, getting them to talk, walk and dance dirty.

Really dirty.

Anil Kapoor, a sweet man who I will never be able to look at without blushing, now that I've seen him thrust, wiggle, pound, pulverise, stick, plunge and ram his being in the pursuit of looking like a phallus, has gone to award-winning lengths (why does everything sound like it has a double meaning now?) to shred every known concept of decency and restraint.

As for the lovely Ms Chawla, what can one say? Could the reward of a box office hit really inspire one to such great heights of vulgarity? No wonder the poor thing has turned to spirituality in her later years.

What is most arresting about this song is that it leaves nothing to the imagination. Effortlessly, through gesture, expression and body language, the actors make the act of copulation come vividly alive through allusions to 'a heated engine', 'a woman asking to be driven' and 'to be taken to her destination'.

Forsooth Nihalaniji, I had no idea of your bent of mind, given that you resemble a batty old uncle on a good day.
As for Khada Hai Khada Hai, where once again Kapoor uses his agile torso to convey the movement of intercourse, even contorting his entire frame to resemble an erect male member begging to be allowed in, what can one say, except that it deserved to be placed much higher on the list of putrid picturisations?

(I hereby personally petition the compiler of the list of Bollywood's most offensive to consider ratcheting it up the list on sheer merit).

After all, that's the least I can do by way of thanking producers like you, who have inspired generations of Indian men to great acts of violence and crudity towards women.

As for this recent, wholly dubious controversy regarding you and Udta Punjab, do remind us what exactly you were objecting to? Hope all your detractors watch Andaz to know what high calibre you come from, Sirji!
I remain yours always, in admiration and respect.

Yours sincerely, etc
malavikasmumbai@gmail.com
 

(The columnist believes in the art of letter-writing)
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of the publication.